I'm happy again.
And not just kinda happy; genuinely, supremely happy; unable to stop smiling happy.
And I'm not sure if my readers (all 3 of you) are ready for why, but here goes.
The source of my happiness is a woman; a truly amazing woman. What did I do to deserve the opportunity to find another amazing woman? I'm truly in awe of God's grace and provision!
Her name is Kristen. She is stunningly beautiful, both on the outside, and, even more so on the inside. I love being around her. When I'm around her, I feel comfortable, like I don't have to put up a facade, like I can just be myself. That's very important for me right now. She gets that and makes it so easy. The funny thing is that she feels the same way around me. And, in a situation that could be quite complicated and awkward, we find being together surprisingly easy and comfortable.
We've come to only one conclusion that can explain this: God must be in this. More than a few people have commented that there is no way that Kristen or I could have imagined or orchestrated the chain of events that have transpired over the last several weeks. It must be God! In fact, both Kristen and I, in our separate struggles with this have tried to find reasons why this should NOT work. And yet, we keep coming back to the realization that, despite the craziness of the situation, God has brought us together.
Regarding the craziness of the situation, I hope that all of my friends and family understand and support my efforts to move on with my life. This is not how I thought my life would play out. I never knew that one could experience the devastating loss and loneliness that I have been smothered by for the past 7 months. My heart was completely obliterated. And yet, God has seen fit to begin the process of restoring my heart and alleviating my loneliness. I believe with all my heart that He has chosen to use Kristen to do both. She has made me believe that I can love again and find true companionship once more. I hope and pray that each of you understand this.
Believe it or not, like it or not, Kristen is a dream come true. I'm happy again. Truly happy.
Unable to stop smiling,
Josh
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
A PP'sPs about Epiphanies
Sorry I haven't written anything lately. My mind and heart have been jumbled messes!
I had an epiphany the other day.
I have been very curious and even dismayed about my lack of "breakdown moments". I have had very few moments where I have broken down and cried, and one the most recent ones was manufactured. I was at the cemetery visiting Christy and just had no emotion. So, I got in the car, turned on the ipod, and played every song I could think of that reminded me of her. I started with "our song" and that was enough to open the floodgates; but it had to be induced.
Then I started thinking and here is my epiphany: instead of having a baseline of "normal" and then expecting "moments" of grief, depression, and sadness, I have discovered a different reality.
My baseline is grief, depression, and sadness. That is my "normal". The "moments" that interrupt that baseline are temporary and often minuscule moments of joy, happiness and contentment.
Kind of a sucky epiphany, but at least I am not wondering why I am not breaking down more often. The fact is, I should be looking for moments when I can, even for a singular moment, break "up". To be sure, these moments of break"up" are treasured. I just didn't realize how fleeting they can be.
Well, that's my only epiphany. I hope my next one is a more pleasant epiphany. (I really like using the word "epiphany". Apparently, I also like using quotation marks!)
Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers.
Anticipating my next break "up",
Josh
I had an epiphany the other day.
I have been very curious and even dismayed about my lack of "breakdown moments". I have had very few moments where I have broken down and cried, and one the most recent ones was manufactured. I was at the cemetery visiting Christy and just had no emotion. So, I got in the car, turned on the ipod, and played every song I could think of that reminded me of her. I started with "our song" and that was enough to open the floodgates; but it had to be induced.
Then I started thinking and here is my epiphany: instead of having a baseline of "normal" and then expecting "moments" of grief, depression, and sadness, I have discovered a different reality.
My baseline is grief, depression, and sadness. That is my "normal". The "moments" that interrupt that baseline are temporary and often minuscule moments of joy, happiness and contentment.
Kind of a sucky epiphany, but at least I am not wondering why I am not breaking down more often. The fact is, I should be looking for moments when I can, even for a singular moment, break "up". To be sure, these moments of break"up" are treasured. I just didn't realize how fleeting they can be.
Well, that's my only epiphany. I hope my next one is a more pleasant epiphany. (I really like using the word "epiphany". Apparently, I also like using quotation marks!)
Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers.
Anticipating my next break "up",
Josh
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A PP'sPs about Posting II
Sorry I haven't posted in a while.
To be honest, the thoughts, feelings, and emotions in my head and heart are so jumbled right now that I would be unable to clearly express them even if I tried.
Therefore, please be patient and pray that my life will become less confusing and frustrating in coming days and weeks.
Thank you all.
Josh
To be honest, the thoughts, feelings, and emotions in my head and heart are so jumbled right now that I would be unable to clearly express them even if I tried.
Therefore, please be patient and pray that my life will become less confusing and frustrating in coming days and weeks.
Thank you all.
Josh
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
A PP'sPs about Lists
Earlier this week, Momma J (Julie, Christy's mom) posted a short list of things that she missed about Christy.
Because attempting a similar list myself would never end, I decided to compose a list of all the things that I do NOT miss about Christy....
Well, I guess this is officially my shortest post to date.
Missing every minute detail,
Josh
Because attempting a similar list myself would never end, I decided to compose a list of all the things that I do NOT miss about Christy....
Well, I guess this is officially my shortest post to date.
Missing every minute detail,
Josh
Monday, February 9, 2009
A PP'sPs about Erectile Dysfunction
A very strange thing happened to me today:
I quit golf!
It's not permanent, but I quit golf today!
After having lunch with a colleague, I went to a nearby golf course to play 18 holes. My first drive was a great shot in the fairway. Then, because I had driven my cart 5 yards into the rough, a jerk from back at the tee screamed at me to get my cart off the grass and back on the path. I hadn't even realized that it was "cartpath only". So now I'm hacked off. My next shot, after waiting for the foursome in front of me to clear the green, was awful! The next shot was equally awful! For the next 3 holes, I have to wait forever to hit each successive awful shot because the group in front won't let me play through, further hacking me off. Finally, they let me play through, just to get caught behind another slow group that won't let me play through. After 3 awful shots on that hole, I put my 6 iron back in my bag, got in my cart, and drove to the clubhouse.
I only played 5 holes! And I gave up! On golf! I couldn't perform! It was golf's version of erectile dysfunction. The guy at the clubhouse even offered to let me start again on the 10th hole, but I just didn't have it in me. Golf! Not in me! The world is coming to an end!
I honestly have no explanation for this inexplicable event. I wish I did. I pray that it never happens again. If it does, go ahead and prepare to visit me in a padded room!
Unable to perform,
Josh
I quit golf!
It's not permanent, but I quit golf today!
After having lunch with a colleague, I went to a nearby golf course to play 18 holes. My first drive was a great shot in the fairway. Then, because I had driven my cart 5 yards into the rough, a jerk from back at the tee screamed at me to get my cart off the grass and back on the path. I hadn't even realized that it was "cartpath only". So now I'm hacked off. My next shot, after waiting for the foursome in front of me to clear the green, was awful! The next shot was equally awful! For the next 3 holes, I have to wait forever to hit each successive awful shot because the group in front won't let me play through, further hacking me off. Finally, they let me play through, just to get caught behind another slow group that won't let me play through. After 3 awful shots on that hole, I put my 6 iron back in my bag, got in my cart, and drove to the clubhouse.
I only played 5 holes! And I gave up! On golf! I couldn't perform! It was golf's version of erectile dysfunction. The guy at the clubhouse even offered to let me start again on the 10th hole, but I just didn't have it in me. Golf! Not in me! The world is coming to an end!
I honestly have no explanation for this inexplicable event. I wish I did. I pray that it never happens again. If it does, go ahead and prepare to visit me in a padded room!
Unable to perform,
Josh
Saturday, February 7, 2009
A PP'sPs about Posting
Sorry I haven't posted in a while.
I just haven't had much to say lately.
I'm kind of in a funk right now. I can't tell if I'm coming or going. I don't know if I'm getting better or getting worse. I don't know if I'm ready to move on or if I'm sinking deeper into despair. I suppose this is my lot for awhile. I know that God will guide me through this phase just as He has each previous phase. My God is faithful!
Coming and Going,
Josh
I just haven't had much to say lately.
I'm kind of in a funk right now. I can't tell if I'm coming or going. I don't know if I'm getting better or getting worse. I don't know if I'm ready to move on or if I'm sinking deeper into despair. I suppose this is my lot for awhile. I know that God will guide me through this phase just as He has each previous phase. My God is faithful!
Coming and Going,
Josh
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
A PP'sPs about Irony
I have always been a fan of irony...until now.
I have had knee pain for probably 7 or 8 years. Doctors have said that it was probably a degeneration of the cartilage under the patellas. It has gotten much worse over the last year or so. So, I finally decided to have them MRI'd. Yesterday, I got the results...
And here's the irony...
ARTHRITIS!
The disease that tortured Christy for nearly 25 years is now affecting me.
Now, it's not quite the same disease that affected Christy. She had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis and it was severe. I have Osteoarthritis and it's early stage. I have nowhere near the pain and repercussions that she had.
But still! Isn't it ironic, don't you think? A little too ironic? Yeah, I really do think.
Ired with Irony,
Josh
I have had knee pain for probably 7 or 8 years. Doctors have said that it was probably a degeneration of the cartilage under the patellas. It has gotten much worse over the last year or so. So, I finally decided to have them MRI'd. Yesterday, I got the results...
And here's the irony...
ARTHRITIS!
The disease that tortured Christy for nearly 25 years is now affecting me.
Now, it's not quite the same disease that affected Christy. She had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis and it was severe. I have Osteoarthritis and it's early stage. I have nowhere near the pain and repercussions that she had.
But still! Isn't it ironic, don't you think? A little too ironic? Yeah, I really do think.
Ired with Irony,
Josh
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