Sorry I haven't written anything lately. My mind and heart have been jumbled messes!
I had an epiphany the other day.
I have been very curious and even dismayed about my lack of "breakdown moments". I have had very few moments where I have broken down and cried, and one the most recent ones was manufactured. I was at the cemetery visiting Christy and just had no emotion. So, I got in the car, turned on the ipod, and played every song I could think of that reminded me of her. I started with "our song" and that was enough to open the floodgates; but it had to be induced.
Then I started thinking and here is my epiphany: instead of having a baseline of "normal" and then expecting "moments" of grief, depression, and sadness, I have discovered a different reality.
My baseline is grief, depression, and sadness. That is my "normal". The "moments" that interrupt that baseline are temporary and often minuscule moments of joy, happiness and contentment.
Kind of a sucky epiphany, but at least I am not wondering why I am not breaking down more often. The fact is, I should be looking for moments when I can, even for a singular moment, break "up". To be sure, these moments of break"up" are treasured. I just didn't realize how fleeting they can be.
Well, that's my only epiphany. I hope my next one is a more pleasant epiphany. (I really like using the word "epiphany". Apparently, I also like using quotation marks!)
Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers.
Anticipating my next break "up",