A PP'sPs about Holidays

Well, I guess I made it through the first holiday.

Thanksgiving itself wasn't too bad. It was good to be with Julie and the family even if it made me think about Christy the whole day; that would have happened anyway! Plus, I got to see Chico and his family for a while.

It was the next day that was so rough. On Friday, Julie wanted to put up their Christmas tree. This is something that I have been apart of for the last several years and usually a joy to do. However, this year, the mere thought of putting up Christmas decorations made me literally nauseous. I had to fight every fiber of my being not to run out the door!

You see, Christmas was Christy's favorite time of year BY FAR. She loved decorating the house, tree, and anything else she could get her hands on. She had collected the Willowtree Nativity Set and took great pride in setting that up every year. Thinking about doing any of that right now feels like getting kicked in the gut by a mule. Therefore, Friday was a tough day for me.

However, once we got into it, it became a blessing. Chris was outside putting up the icicle lights, so Julie and I were able to talk honestly about how all of this was affecting us. She, too, was struggling with decorating anything this year, but she knew that Christy would want us to do it for her. We talked about how God, in His own way, had been preparing us for what was to come. It was a further bonding of two lost, hurting souls that hopefully helps us both cope with these difficult days that are yet to come. I have a feeling we're gonna need all the help we can get!

Fighting the urge to run,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Thanksgiving

So this is the day on which we are to give thanks for all of our blessings.

I must confess this is harder right now. Sure, I can acknowledge the blessing of the time I had with Christy and the blessing of the legacy she left behind, but that doesn't bring her back. I'm fairly confident that I would be considerably more thankful if I still had her with me. So, I may have to mark this down as the least thankful Thanksgiving I've ever had. Is that okay? I hope so, because it's where I am; not unthankful, just less thankful than I've been in a while.

I pray that God will open my eyes to the many blessings that surround me on all sides.

Underthankful,

Josh

A PP'sPs about the Pulpit

I love to preach!

Yesterday, I was able to get back to doing something I love. Being back in the pulpit was a true blessing. Plus, I had been given an exciting word from God that had been festering in my heart for over a month. I thought I was going to explode!
Having the opportunity to share such a personal gift like that word from God with my church was awesome. Watching God work as I opened my mouth and He spoke was a great experience. Hearing the responses from those in attendance further confirmed the Author of the Word. God is Great and He is doing something great at Pleasant Green Baptist Church. I just feel honored to be able to be the pastor as God does His work here. I pray that I will have the energy and focus to help lead my church through this work of God.

Please pray the same.

Back in the Saddle,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Kentucky

Well, I'm back home in Kentucky. I sure wish I could have the weather in TX here in KY! It's frickin' freezin' here! Oh well, it is the middle of November. I guess I can't complain.

It was great to see Chris & Julie again. I sure missed them. Julie even made me a chocolate milkshake with Blue Bell ice cream!!! She must have missed me too!

It was also awesome to see my cats again! They were pretty happy to see me as well. Petra won't shut up! Meow! meow!

I can't wait to get back in touch with all the church people as well. I've missed them and I hear that they have missed me too. Someone even "broke in" to the house and left several notes and artwork taped on the kitchen wall. Very encouraging! I'm blessed, even if I don't feel like it all the time!

Well, I'll try to continue to share my thoughts and feelings here over the next days, weeks, & months. It won't be easy or pretty, but I've found it to be fairly therapeutic. Thanks again for all the comments and prayers.

Home again,

Josh

A PP'sPs about The Next Big Thing

This morning (at 5 am while NOT sleeping!) I asked God to prepare me for whatever big thing He is going to do in my life and ministry as a direct result of Christy's life and passing.

I believe with all my heart that God is going to use this tragedy to bring something potentially ground-breaking and phenomenal into my sphere of influence...I'm just not ready.

I don't want the responsibility of being used by God right now. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Not very inspiring, huh? Not very pastoral either. And so I ask you as my family, friends, and support system to pray that God will either do a miraculous work in quickly preparing me for whatever it is that He's bringing, or, that He will delay this monumental revelation until I can be restored. I thank you in advance.

To Him be the Glory,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Going Home

Well, if you haven't already heard, I'm heading back to KY earlier than originally planned.

I had originally planned on staying here in TX until after Thanksgiving, allowing me to be with my TX family for that holiday. However, it has become very clear that I need to get back home (yes, I said home in reference to Kentucky, and yes, I'm just as shocked as you are!). I will be driving home next Monday, the 17th.

Don't get me wrong, it has been great being in TX with family and friends. However, this has allowed me to escape from the reality of what has happened in my life. That was okay for a time, but I can no longer prolong the inevitable. I must return to reality. It's gonna be bad. It's gonna be hard. It's gonna suck (pardon my language). But it has to be done.

Plus, I miss my cats! I miss my KY family, my church, my life, such that it is.

I must apologize to my TX friends and family who thought they would have me for longer. I wish it were possible, but I must go home. Thank you for understanding.

I must warn my KY friends and family. Some have already made their elation known regarding my return. I hope you know what your getting: a mess. Now you're the ones who'll have to clean it up! I pray you're up for the challenge.

I must thank all my friends and family all over the globe for your continued thoughts and prayers. They are deeply felt and much appreciated.

Between two worlds,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Side Effects

So here's a weird side effect to the grief that I am dealing with right now: I can't sing anymore.

I have been in three worship services since coming to TX and in each of them, all attempts to sing with a full voice with any kind of range have been thwarted. Each time I try and sing what would normally be a very attainable note, my voice cracks and the notes won't come. I've noticed the same phenomenon while attempting to sing in the car...no go.

I have two working theories as to the cause of this upsetting development.

One - During the first few days following Christy's passing, including the visitation and funeral, I was involved in some pretty guttural grieving that may have actually damaged my vocal cords, either temporarily or, less likely, permanently. I will call this my "physiological" theory.

Two - It's also possible that because of the deep pain and grief that has yet to be released and remains dammed up behind a strong wall of denial and escapism, my ability to fully express myself in song also remains repressed. I will call this my "psychological" theory.

If any of you have dealt with this phenomenon or have even heard of it and have a suggestion, feel free to share. If any one else has any thoughts about my theories or would like to propose a third theory, your input, too, is welcome.

Thanks again for checking in on me. In the words of the wiser-than-her-years Momma J, "I am what I am."

Making a less-than-joyful noise,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Grief

Well, I don't know if anybody's checking this blog anymore, but I suppose I should post something in case anyone is.

I wish I could tell you what's going on in my heart and mind right now, but the truth is, not much is going on in my heart and mind. I am completely numb. I feel nothing. Do I miss Christy? Of course I do. But not in a break down and cry, rip my clothes, and put ashes on my head kind of way. That's what I would expect me to do. I guess that was my initial reaction and it continued through the visitation and funeral, but since then, I feel nothing. Am I a cold-hearted expletive that just wants to move on with my life? Surely not. But I don't feel much more than that. What a miserable existence!
I wish I was better at forcing myself to express my thoughts like Julie has been. In fact, her posts have motivated me to make this one, disjointed and depressing as it may be. I just don't have words to describe the numbness in my heart. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. What ever it is, it's starting to hack me off!
I sure don't look or feel like a grieving husband. I feel like a guy on vacation, visiting family and playing golf, eventually to return to his home and wife. That can't be right! And yet, it's all I got.
The worst part is, and here comes the true honesty, I haven't been talking to God alot about all this. I'm not mad at Him or anything, I just don't feel like talking to Him right now, or anybody for that matter. Sure, I can talk about the details of the past three months, even of that night. I just don't want to talk about how I feel about those details. Maybe that's a side effect of the numbness; not even emoting the relationships I have with family, friends, or even my God. In the words of Paul, what a wretched man I am!
All I can do is think about what's next in my life, almost denying the fact that there is a past that I have to deal with. I guess this is that stage of grief known as denial. It turns out it isn't just a river in Egypt! I can assure you that being able to label it and categorize it doesn't make it easier to deal with. It's awful!

Well, as I continue to struggle with this denial, hoping the next stage is around the corner, please have a few conversations with God on my behalf. Let Him know that I'm not mad, I'm just not in the mood to talk. I hope He understands.

In a trance,

Josh