Thursday, November 6, 2008

A PP'sPs about Grief

Well, I don't know if anybody's checking this blog anymore, but I suppose I should post something in case anyone is.

I wish I could tell you what's going on in my heart and mind right now, but the truth is, not much is going on in my heart and mind. I am completely numb. I feel nothing. Do I miss Christy? Of course I do. But not in a break down and cry, rip my clothes, and put ashes on my head kind of way. That's what I would expect me to do. I guess that was my initial reaction and it continued through the visitation and funeral, but since then, I feel nothing. Am I a cold-hearted expletive that just wants to move on with my life? Surely not. But I don't feel much more than that. What a miserable existence!
I wish I was better at forcing myself to express my thoughts like Julie has been. In fact, her posts have motivated me to make this one, disjointed and depressing as it may be. I just don't have words to describe the numbness in my heart. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. What ever it is, it's starting to hack me off!
I sure don't look or feel like a grieving husband. I feel like a guy on vacation, visiting family and playing golf, eventually to return to his home and wife. That can't be right! And yet, it's all I got.
The worst part is, and here comes the true honesty, I haven't been talking to God alot about all this. I'm not mad at Him or anything, I just don't feel like talking to Him right now, or anybody for that matter. Sure, I can talk about the details of the past three months, even of that night. I just don't want to talk about how I feel about those details. Maybe that's a side effect of the numbness; not even emoting the relationships I have with family, friends, or even my God. In the words of Paul, what a wretched man I am!
All I can do is think about what's next in my life, almost denying the fact that there is a past that I have to deal with. I guess this is that stage of grief known as denial. It turns out it isn't just a river in Egypt! I can assure you that being able to label it and categorize it doesn't make it easier to deal with. It's awful!

Well, as I continue to struggle with this denial, hoping the next stage is around the corner, please have a few conversations with God on my behalf. Let Him know that I'm not mad, I'm just not in the mood to talk. I hope He understands.

In a trance,

Josh

9 comments:

onthecreek said...

My father passed away after committing suicide last July. I somewhat know the numbness you speak of though in a different situation. God is good and He will eventually, lovingly and slowly let you feel the pain. We're praying for you here.

Kristen said...

Josh, it was good to hear a little of where you are at right now. Jon and I check your blog often and pray for you just as much. We will continue to bring you before the Lord as he walks with you through all of the emotions or lack there of. You are loved.

Julie said...

Josh,

I was where you are. It took me some time to be able to pray. Like you, I wasn't mad at God, I just didn't have anything to say to him. Really, I was disappointed in the choice he made for Christy's life. That’s not pretty, it’s just truth. Please know that you are in my prayers daily. I know, without question, that your heart hurts even if it’s not visible to anyone. Thank you for loving my daughter in such a beautiful and selfless way. Try to enjoy the rest of your time in Texas and we look forward to seeing you soon.

Praying that I will forever be your
Momma J

Lori said...

Josh, you are so loved. There is no manual for how you are supposed to feel right now, so just give yourself persmission to be how you are. You know? We are praying even though you can't, and we are anxious for "after Thanksgiving."

Lori

Beautifully Broken said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beautifully Broken said...

breathe...just breathe. your feelings are normal. you are beginning the process of grieving. it will get better but most likely worse before the relief and understanding comes. it's okay...it's normal. you are human. like i said, breathe and just take it one day at a time...one emotion at a time. just know you (as well as the others) are loved and prayed for daily by many people.

been there doing that every day of my life and attempting to understand that God puts people in our lives for His reason.

thinking of you,
jen locker

Carol said...

Josh, This is my third attempt to reach you. I can't say I know how you fee, because I have never had such a loss. My dad lost mom after 60 years, but he made it sever more years with out her. I know it wasn't easy, but I also know the Lord never puts more on our shoulders than we can bear. He is always there when you need him. We are praying for the day you will return to us. A lot of people miss you. Lindw Wasson said hello and she misses you. Your friends in Christ Carol & Buddy Sosbe

Carol said...

Josh, On our way to church. Just checking to see if you posted anything. Will miss you and the kids will too because they don't get to hear your childrens' sermom. Hoping you will be back soon Love Carol

Felicia said...

Hey, Josh,
I lost both my parents before I was 25. In my experience, the numbness is God's grace, a sort of cushion in the early days before the aching comes and stays awhile. It's just something you have to go through, and no one can do it for you. I mulled my mother's death over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of it. Grief is not a neatly packaged process. Give yourself grace. God knows your heart.
Love you.