Monday, November 10, 2008

A PP'sPs about Side Effects

So here's a weird side effect to the grief that I am dealing with right now: I can't sing anymore.

I have been in three worship services since coming to TX and in each of them, all attempts to sing with a full voice with any kind of range have been thwarted. Each time I try and sing what would normally be a very attainable note, my voice cracks and the notes won't come. I've noticed the same phenomenon while attempting to sing in the car...no go.

I have two working theories as to the cause of this upsetting development.

One - During the first few days following Christy's passing, including the visitation and funeral, I was involved in some pretty guttural grieving that may have actually damaged my vocal cords, either temporarily or, less likely, permanently. I will call this my "physiological" theory.

Two - It's also possible that because of the deep pain and grief that has yet to be released and remains dammed up behind a strong wall of denial and escapism, my ability to fully express myself in song also remains repressed. I will call this my "psychological" theory.

If any of you have dealt with this phenomenon or have even heard of it and have a suggestion, feel free to share. If any one else has any thoughts about my theories or would like to propose a third theory, your input, too, is welcome.

Thanks again for checking in on me. In the words of the wiser-than-her-years Momma J, "I am what I am."

Making a less-than-joyful noise,

Josh

1 comment:

terry said...

Josh,
I admire the fact that you can put your feelings in print..it's like letting the whole world look into your soul..very healthy I'm sure some shrink would say. Interesting subject about worship. Terry and I have both found worship to be "emotional"...we really go a little late to service because the "happy" songs are just not where our heart is right now. And worship seems to be an intimate time with the Lord and I usually cry...so I just don't participate much when we are in public. I don't really know why this is and I don't really care..it is what it is. I have learned this past year not to make too much of these "stages" because everyday it changes. And I would not worry about not talking much to God...He knows your heart better than you do..you can trust Him, He will keep you. You are in my prayers everyday.
Dianne