So here's a weird side effect to the grief that I am dealing with right now: I can't sing anymore.
I have been in three worship services since coming to TX and in each of them, all attempts to sing with a full voice with any kind of range have been thwarted. Each time I try and sing what would normally be a very attainable note, my voice cracks and the notes won't come. I've noticed the same phenomenon while attempting to sing in the car...no go.
I have two working theories as to the cause of this upsetting development.
One - During the first few days following Christy's passing, including the visitation and funeral, I was involved in some pretty guttural grieving that may have actually damaged my vocal cords, either temporarily or, less likely, permanently. I will call this my "physiological" theory.
Two - It's also possible that because of the deep pain and grief that has yet to be released and remains dammed up behind a strong wall of denial and escapism, my ability to fully express myself in song also remains repressed. I will call this my "psychological" theory.
If any of you have dealt with this phenomenon or have even heard of it and have a suggestion, feel free to share. If any one else has any thoughts about my theories or would like to propose a third theory, your input, too, is welcome.
Thanks again for checking in on me. In the words of the wiser-than-her-years Momma J, "I am what I am."
Making a less-than-joyful noise,