This morning (at 5 am while NOT sleeping!) I asked God to prepare me for whatever big thing He is going to do in my life and ministry as a direct result of Christy's life and passing.
I believe with all my heart that God is going to use this tragedy to bring something potentially ground-breaking and phenomenal into my sphere of influence...I'm just not ready.
I don't want the responsibility of being used by God right now. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Not very inspiring, huh? Not very pastoral either. And so I ask you as my family, friends, and support system to pray that God will either do a miraculous work in quickly preparing me for whatever it is that He's bringing, or, that He will delay this monumental revelation until I can be restored. I thank you in advance.
To Him be the Glory,
Josh
Friday, November 14, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
A PP'sPs about Going Home
Well, if you haven't already heard, I'm heading back to KY earlier than originally planned.
I had originally planned on staying here in TX until after Thanksgiving, allowing me to be with my TX family for that holiday. However, it has become very clear that I need to get back home (yes, I said home in reference to Kentucky, and yes, I'm just as shocked as you are!). I will be driving home next Monday, the 17th.
Don't get me wrong, it has been great being in TX with family and friends. However, this has allowed me to escape from the reality of what has happened in my life. That was okay for a time, but I can no longer prolong the inevitable. I must return to reality. It's gonna be bad. It's gonna be hard. It's gonna suck (pardon my language). But it has to be done.
Plus, I miss my cats! I miss my KY family, my church, my life, such that it is.
I must apologize to my TX friends and family who thought they would have me for longer. I wish it were possible, but I must go home. Thank you for understanding.
I must warn my KY friends and family. Some have already made their elation known regarding my return. I hope you know what your getting: a mess. Now you're the ones who'll have to clean it up! I pray you're up for the challenge.
I must thank all my friends and family all over the globe for your continued thoughts and prayers. They are deeply felt and much appreciated.
Between two worlds,
Josh
I had originally planned on staying here in TX until after Thanksgiving, allowing me to be with my TX family for that holiday. However, it has become very clear that I need to get back home (yes, I said home in reference to Kentucky, and yes, I'm just as shocked as you are!). I will be driving home next Monday, the 17th.
Don't get me wrong, it has been great being in TX with family and friends. However, this has allowed me to escape from the reality of what has happened in my life. That was okay for a time, but I can no longer prolong the inevitable. I must return to reality. It's gonna be bad. It's gonna be hard. It's gonna suck (pardon my language). But it has to be done.
Plus, I miss my cats! I miss my KY family, my church, my life, such that it is.
I must apologize to my TX friends and family who thought they would have me for longer. I wish it were possible, but I must go home. Thank you for understanding.
I must warn my KY friends and family. Some have already made their elation known regarding my return. I hope you know what your getting: a mess. Now you're the ones who'll have to clean it up! I pray you're up for the challenge.
I must thank all my friends and family all over the globe for your continued thoughts and prayers. They are deeply felt and much appreciated.
Between two worlds,
Josh
Monday, November 10, 2008
A PP'sPs about Side Effects
So here's a weird side effect to the grief that I am dealing with right now: I can't sing anymore.
I have been in three worship services since coming to TX and in each of them, all attempts to sing with a full voice with any kind of range have been thwarted. Each time I try and sing what would normally be a very attainable note, my voice cracks and the notes won't come. I've noticed the same phenomenon while attempting to sing in the car...no go.
I have two working theories as to the cause of this upsetting development.
One - During the first few days following Christy's passing, including the visitation and funeral, I was involved in some pretty guttural grieving that may have actually damaged my vocal cords, either temporarily or, less likely, permanently. I will call this my "physiological" theory.
Two - It's also possible that because of the deep pain and grief that has yet to be released and remains dammed up behind a strong wall of denial and escapism, my ability to fully express myself in song also remains repressed. I will call this my "psychological" theory.
If any of you have dealt with this phenomenon or have even heard of it and have a suggestion, feel free to share. If any one else has any thoughts about my theories or would like to propose a third theory, your input, too, is welcome.
Thanks again for checking in on me. In the words of the wiser-than-her-years Momma J, "I am what I am."
Making a less-than-joyful noise,
Josh
I have been in three worship services since coming to TX and in each of them, all attempts to sing with a full voice with any kind of range have been thwarted. Each time I try and sing what would normally be a very attainable note, my voice cracks and the notes won't come. I've noticed the same phenomenon while attempting to sing in the car...no go.
I have two working theories as to the cause of this upsetting development.
One - During the first few days following Christy's passing, including the visitation and funeral, I was involved in some pretty guttural grieving that may have actually damaged my vocal cords, either temporarily or, less likely, permanently. I will call this my "physiological" theory.
Two - It's also possible that because of the deep pain and grief that has yet to be released and remains dammed up behind a strong wall of denial and escapism, my ability to fully express myself in song also remains repressed. I will call this my "psychological" theory.
If any of you have dealt with this phenomenon or have even heard of it and have a suggestion, feel free to share. If any one else has any thoughts about my theories or would like to propose a third theory, your input, too, is welcome.
Thanks again for checking in on me. In the words of the wiser-than-her-years Momma J, "I am what I am."
Making a less-than-joyful noise,
Josh
Thursday, November 6, 2008
A PP'sPs about Grief
Well, I don't know if anybody's checking this blog anymore, but I suppose I should post something in case anyone is.
I wish I could tell you what's going on in my heart and mind right now, but the truth is, not much is going on in my heart and mind. I am completely numb. I feel nothing. Do I miss Christy? Of course I do. But not in a break down and cry, rip my clothes, and put ashes on my head kind of way. That's what I would expect me to do. I guess that was my initial reaction and it continued through the visitation and funeral, but since then, I feel nothing. Am I a cold-hearted expletive that just wants to move on with my life? Surely not. But I don't feel much more than that. What a miserable existence!
I wish I was better at forcing myself to express my thoughts like Julie has been. In fact, her posts have motivated me to make this one, disjointed and depressing as it may be. I just don't have words to describe the numbness in my heart. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. What ever it is, it's starting to hack me off!
I sure don't look or feel like a grieving husband. I feel like a guy on vacation, visiting family and playing golf, eventually to return to his home and wife. That can't be right! And yet, it's all I got.
The worst part is, and here comes the true honesty, I haven't been talking to God alot about all this. I'm not mad at Him or anything, I just don't feel like talking to Him right now, or anybody for that matter. Sure, I can talk about the details of the past three months, even of that night. I just don't want to talk about how I feel about those details. Maybe that's a side effect of the numbness; not even emoting the relationships I have with family, friends, or even my God. In the words of Paul, what a wretched man I am!
All I can do is think about what's next in my life, almost denying the fact that there is a past that I have to deal with. I guess this is that stage of grief known as denial. It turns out it isn't just a river in Egypt! I can assure you that being able to label it and categorize it doesn't make it easier to deal with. It's awful!
Well, as I continue to struggle with this denial, hoping the next stage is around the corner, please have a few conversations with God on my behalf. Let Him know that I'm not mad, I'm just not in the mood to talk. I hope He understands.
In a trance,
Josh
I wish I could tell you what's going on in my heart and mind right now, but the truth is, not much is going on in my heart and mind. I am completely numb. I feel nothing. Do I miss Christy? Of course I do. But not in a break down and cry, rip my clothes, and put ashes on my head kind of way. That's what I would expect me to do. I guess that was my initial reaction and it continued through the visitation and funeral, but since then, I feel nothing. Am I a cold-hearted expletive that just wants to move on with my life? Surely not. But I don't feel much more than that. What a miserable existence!
I wish I was better at forcing myself to express my thoughts like Julie has been. In fact, her posts have motivated me to make this one, disjointed and depressing as it may be. I just don't have words to describe the numbness in my heart. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. What ever it is, it's starting to hack me off!
I sure don't look or feel like a grieving husband. I feel like a guy on vacation, visiting family and playing golf, eventually to return to his home and wife. That can't be right! And yet, it's all I got.
The worst part is, and here comes the true honesty, I haven't been talking to God alot about all this. I'm not mad at Him or anything, I just don't feel like talking to Him right now, or anybody for that matter. Sure, I can talk about the details of the past three months, even of that night. I just don't want to talk about how I feel about those details. Maybe that's a side effect of the numbness; not even emoting the relationships I have with family, friends, or even my God. In the words of Paul, what a wretched man I am!
All I can do is think about what's next in my life, almost denying the fact that there is a past that I have to deal with. I guess this is that stage of grief known as denial. It turns out it isn't just a river in Egypt! I can assure you that being able to label it and categorize it doesn't make it easier to deal with. It's awful!
Well, as I continue to struggle with this denial, hoping the next stage is around the corner, please have a few conversations with God on my behalf. Let Him know that I'm not mad, I'm just not in the mood to talk. I hope He understands.
In a trance,
Josh
Sunday, October 12, 2008
A PP'sPs about the Celebration of Christy's Life
The arrangements for Christy's services are as follows:
Visitation - 4pm-8pm, Tuesday, Oct. 14 @ Hagar & Cundiff Funeral Home, Nicholasville
Funeral - 11am, Wednesday, Oct. 15 @ Mt. Freedom Baptist Church, Wilmore
Thank you all for the kind comments. You are all a blessing to me.
Josh
Visitation - 4pm-8pm, Tuesday, Oct. 14 @ Hagar & Cundiff Funeral Home, Nicholasville
Funeral - 11am, Wednesday, Oct. 15 @ Mt. Freedom Baptist Church, Wilmore
Thank you all for the kind comments. You are all a blessing to me.
Josh
A PP'sPs about Home
I'm not sure how I'm even able to write this sentence, but, at 8:45 Saturday night, Christy went home to be with her Lord. I have no words to describe my joy for her and the incredible loss for me and her family. I pray that I will have the strength to echo the words of Job:
Naked I came from my mother's womb,
Naked I shall return.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
Naked I came from my mother's womb,
Naked I shall return.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
A PP'sPs about Knees
Well, Christy and I went back to the surgeon to look at the knee once again. We got good news!
He said that she could lose the brace! She is thrilled! He also said that she could begin trying to put weight on that leg and even move towards walking again! What a blessing. She is very ready to get back on her feet and back to work. He feels more comfortable waiting 3-6 months to worry about double total knee replacement, so that is on the back burner. We also feel better waiting so that she can gain some strength in both legs so that rehab will be easier when the replacement happens.
Christy also had an angiogram to figure out why her left foot is getting cold, turning colors, and forming blisters. It was determined that she has vaso-spasms (sp) which is the shrinking of the blood vessels in her feet, restricting blood flow and making them cold. She has been put on a vaso-dialator to improve this. The doctor is confident that this medicine will clear up the issue.
She is so strong! She has beat each of the issues that have tried to knock her down, by the grace of God! We are confident that God will enable her to once again beat these current issues and grow stronger than ever before.
Thanks again for each of your prayers and thoughts. May God bless each and every one of you!
Josh
He said that she could lose the brace! She is thrilled! He also said that she could begin trying to put weight on that leg and even move towards walking again! What a blessing. She is very ready to get back on her feet and back to work. He feels more comfortable waiting 3-6 months to worry about double total knee replacement, so that is on the back burner. We also feel better waiting so that she can gain some strength in both legs so that rehab will be easier when the replacement happens.
Christy also had an angiogram to figure out why her left foot is getting cold, turning colors, and forming blisters. It was determined that she has vaso-spasms (sp) which is the shrinking of the blood vessels in her feet, restricting blood flow and making them cold. She has been put on a vaso-dialator to improve this. The doctor is confident that this medicine will clear up the issue.
She is so strong! She has beat each of the issues that have tried to knock her down, by the grace of God! We are confident that God will enable her to once again beat these current issues and grow stronger than ever before.
Thanks again for each of your prayers and thoughts. May God bless each and every one of you!
Josh
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