I have always been a fan of irony...until now.
I have had knee pain for probably 7 or 8 years. Doctors have said that it was probably a degeneration of the cartilage under the patellas. It has gotten much worse over the last year or so. So, I finally decided to have them MRI'd. Yesterday, I got the results...
And here's the irony...
ARTHRITIS!
The disease that tortured Christy for nearly 25 years is now affecting me.
Now, it's not quite the same disease that affected Christy. She had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis and it was severe. I have Osteoarthritis and it's early stage. I have nowhere near the pain and repercussions that she had.
But still! Isn't it ironic, don't you think? A little too ironic? Yeah, I really do think.
Ired with Irony,
Josh
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A PP'sPs about Widowdom
Holy Crap! I'm a widower!
It hits me hard every time.
It says in the Bible that God's mercies are new every morning. Good thing since the reality and stinging pain of my residence in Widowdom are equally as fresh...every morning. I am still amazed at the loss of air supply (no song references, please!) each time it hits me that my wife is gone and I am a widower. I am a widower! There it is again! Shock and awe...shucks!
I figure it will finally set in that I am a widower about the time that I pack up and leave Widowdom for another, less lonely abode. Then I'll have to get used to a whole new world. I have a feeling that will be an easier adjustment.
Milking His Mercies,
Josh
It hits me hard every time.
It says in the Bible that God's mercies are new every morning. Good thing since the reality and stinging pain of my residence in Widowdom are equally as fresh...every morning. I am still amazed at the loss of air supply (no song references, please!) each time it hits me that my wife is gone and I am a widower. I am a widower! There it is again! Shock and awe...shucks!
I figure it will finally set in that I am a widower about the time that I pack up and leave Widowdom for another, less lonely abode. Then I'll have to get used to a whole new world. I have a feeling that will be an easier adjustment.
Milking His Mercies,
Josh
Thursday, January 15, 2009
A PP'sPs about Hell
I'm lonely as Hell... Almost.
You see, my primary understanding of Hell is eternal separation from God (II Thess. 1:9); the opposite of the peace of God: a loneliness that passes all understanding.
I see this in the biblical story of the Rich Man and Lazarus found in Luke 16. The Rich Man dies and is seen in torment in Hell - Alone. He sees Lazarus, who has also died, sitting in heaven - Not Alone. Lazarus is with Father Abraham, peaceful and unlonely (I made up a word there).
I would argue that a tremendous part of the Rich Man's torment is the complete loneliness of his situation. There is no party in Hell with all the sinners dressed in red tights, a pointy tail, and horns. It is the utter darkness of loneliness.
All this to say that I'm convinced that the loneliness I'm experiencing right now is as close to Hell on earth as one can get.
I find some solace in the temporal nature of my situation; some. I also now believe that, short of an experience like this, no one can understand this kind of loneliness.
I'm not yet to the point of gnashing my teeth, but it's still early. :) Please pray that the loneliness will subside to a more manageable level, thus saving me from future dental bills!
Thank all (3) of you for your comments and, more importantly, your prayers. They are much appreciated.
Nearly Gnashing,
Josh
You see, my primary understanding of Hell is eternal separation from God (II Thess. 1:9); the opposite of the peace of God: a loneliness that passes all understanding.
I see this in the biblical story of the Rich Man and Lazarus found in Luke 16. The Rich Man dies and is seen in torment in Hell - Alone. He sees Lazarus, who has also died, sitting in heaven - Not Alone. Lazarus is with Father Abraham, peaceful and unlonely (I made up a word there).
I would argue that a tremendous part of the Rich Man's torment is the complete loneliness of his situation. There is no party in Hell with all the sinners dressed in red tights, a pointy tail, and horns. It is the utter darkness of loneliness.
All this to say that I'm convinced that the loneliness I'm experiencing right now is as close to Hell on earth as one can get.
I find some solace in the temporal nature of my situation; some. I also now believe that, short of an experience like this, no one can understand this kind of loneliness.
I'm not yet to the point of gnashing my teeth, but it's still early. :) Please pray that the loneliness will subside to a more manageable level, thus saving me from future dental bills!
Thank all (3) of you for your comments and, more importantly, your prayers. They are much appreciated.
Nearly Gnashing,
Josh
Monday, January 12, 2009
A PP'sPs about Lyrics
Those of you who know me well know that I am inspired, motivated, and sometimes convicted by music; more specifically the lyrics.
Over the last 3 months, several songs have affected me in profound ways. Some are songs I've heard a million times and never paid attention to the lyrics. Others hit me the first time I heard them. I thought I would share some of those lyrics with my readers.
The song that best portrays my psyche right now is "The Rescue" by Kutless:
I don't know what's happening
Everything around me has come crashing to the ground
It's here I see my need
In all the devastation I'm praying for a miracle, help me to escape. Again
My life is a mass destruction
You're pulling me from the mess I'm in, You take me away
There's glass in the air I'm breathing
Somehow my heart keeps beating till You take me away
Sanctus Real has a song that has a similar emotion:
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.
As far as my thoughts and feelings about Christy, Nouveaux shares my heart:
If a star fell from the sky every time I thought of you, there would be none
And if the moon would shine all the while you're on my mind
We'd never see the day
And I wish you weren't so far away.
I'm sure there are other songs, but these are the ones I come to over and over again. I hope this gives you further insight into where I am right now and what I'm going through.
Breathing glass,
Josh
Over the last 3 months, several songs have affected me in profound ways. Some are songs I've heard a million times and never paid attention to the lyrics. Others hit me the first time I heard them. I thought I would share some of those lyrics with my readers.
The song that best portrays my psyche right now is "The Rescue" by Kutless:
I don't know what's happening
Everything around me has come crashing to the ground
It's here I see my need
In all the devastation I'm praying for a miracle, help me to escape. Again
My life is a mass destruction
You're pulling me from the mess I'm in, You take me away
There's glass in the air I'm breathing
Somehow my heart keeps beating till You take me away
Sanctus Real has a song that has a similar emotion:
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.
As far as my thoughts and feelings about Christy, Nouveaux shares my heart:
If a star fell from the sky every time I thought of you, there would be none
And if the moon would shine all the while you're on my mind
We'd never see the day
And I wish you weren't so far away.
I'm sure there are other songs, but these are the ones I come to over and over again. I hope this gives you further insight into where I am right now and what I'm going through.
Breathing glass,
Josh
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A PP'sPs about Dolphins
I'm a dolphin.
Perhaps some explanation would be appropriate.
A few weeks ago, during another sleepless night, I was watching a show on Animal Planet. It was investigating dolphin deaths on Virginia Beach. Apparently, juvenile dolphins were washing up on shore. These dolphins had NO signs of external trauma. They were pristine in appearance. Nothing externally gave evidence of their demise. However, upon doing autopsies, they discovered multiple broken bones, massive internal bleeding, massive internal bruising, and other trauma.
As I thought about these dolphins, it hit me: I'm a dolphin!
Because of my position as a pastor, I feel like I need to carry myself and present myself in a way that portrays confidence, leadership, and contentment. I appear as if all is well. However, further inspection would reveal massive internal trauma. My heart has exploded into a million pieces and created an internal mess! A dolphin!
So, next time you see me and ask me how I'm doing, don't be surprised when I respond by saying, "I'm a dolphin!"
Strangely craving raw fish,
Josh
Perhaps some explanation would be appropriate.
A few weeks ago, during another sleepless night, I was watching a show on Animal Planet. It was investigating dolphin deaths on Virginia Beach. Apparently, juvenile dolphins were washing up on shore. These dolphins had NO signs of external trauma. They were pristine in appearance. Nothing externally gave evidence of their demise. However, upon doing autopsies, they discovered multiple broken bones, massive internal bleeding, massive internal bruising, and other trauma.
As I thought about these dolphins, it hit me: I'm a dolphin!
Because of my position as a pastor, I feel like I need to carry myself and present myself in a way that portrays confidence, leadership, and contentment. I appear as if all is well. However, further inspection would reveal massive internal trauma. My heart has exploded into a million pieces and created an internal mess! A dolphin!
So, next time you see me and ask me how I'm doing, don't be surprised when I respond by saying, "I'm a dolphin!"
Strangely craving raw fish,
Josh
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
A PP'sPs about Silverware
There are so many things that remind me of Christy; most remind me that she is no longer with me.
When I would do the dishes, I would always notice and be humored by the fact that there were always the same number of big forks as little forks. Because of her neck fusion and JRA in her jaw, Christy had to use little forks when she ate. I, however, being the big, strapping young man that I am, would always use big forks. There was always the same number of each.
A few days ago, I decided to do the dishes as it had been a while. When I was finishing up the silverware, it hit me that I didn't wash a single small fork. It hit me like a punch to the gut. I teared up right there, salinizing my now dingy dishwater.
Many of these moments are anticipated. I know that when I go to bed each night, she won't be there. I can prepare for that. It's the moments that sneak up on me, like the fork incident, that make this so blasted hard. Like when I was watching the finale to "The Biggest Loser" and Phil came out on stage. He had lost over 130 lbs! I sat up and actually said, "Christy, look..." I stopped. She wasn't there to share my shock at Phil's amazing transformation. But we always watched the finale together! Unfair! Oh well, I know that won't be the last of these moments. I only pray that future moments will hurt just a little less.
Dreaming of little forks,
Josh
When I would do the dishes, I would always notice and be humored by the fact that there were always the same number of big forks as little forks. Because of her neck fusion and JRA in her jaw, Christy had to use little forks when she ate. I, however, being the big, strapping young man that I am, would always use big forks. There was always the same number of each.
A few days ago, I decided to do the dishes as it had been a while. When I was finishing up the silverware, it hit me that I didn't wash a single small fork. It hit me like a punch to the gut. I teared up right there, salinizing my now dingy dishwater.
Many of these moments are anticipated. I know that when I go to bed each night, she won't be there. I can prepare for that. It's the moments that sneak up on me, like the fork incident, that make this so blasted hard. Like when I was watching the finale to "The Biggest Loser" and Phil came out on stage. He had lost over 130 lbs! I sat up and actually said, "Christy, look..." I stopped. She wasn't there to share my shock at Phil's amazing transformation. But we always watched the finale together! Unfair! Oh well, I know that won't be the last of these moments. I only pray that future moments will hurt just a little less.
Dreaming of little forks,
Josh
Saturday, December 13, 2008
A PP'sPs about OCD
This is a strange development.
One of the things that I miss most about Christy is her OCD.
You see, I am not the most tidy person in the world. A pristine house is not a huge priority for me and never has been. It's never bothered me if dishes sat in the sink or if clothes were draped over the couch or if the bathroom sink was cluttered with toiletries.
Christy, on the other hand, was her mother's daughter. She was a neat freak. Even she would classify it as borderline Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Things out of place consumed her. Of course, the culprit for most of the disorder was yours truly. It was especially hard for her because she wasn't able to fix alot of the issues herself. She had to get me to do it.
Here is where it gets strange.
I miss that about her so much it literally hurts. When I walk by something that would have bothered her, it hits me in the gut like a ton of bricks. I yearn for the very thing that used to get under my skin: the boss setting me straight. I'm lost without her direction!
Here is where it gets stranger.
I mentioned that I get ill when I walk by one of those things that would have bothered her. Not only do I get ill, but some of the time, I actually fix the problem. She must have trained me well. For whatever reason, I try to keep the house close to what she would want.
I fall short, but I think she would be proud.
Desperately missing the boss,
Josh
One of the things that I miss most about Christy is her OCD.
You see, I am not the most tidy person in the world. A pristine house is not a huge priority for me and never has been. It's never bothered me if dishes sat in the sink or if clothes were draped over the couch or if the bathroom sink was cluttered with toiletries.
Christy, on the other hand, was her mother's daughter. She was a neat freak. Even she would classify it as borderline Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Things out of place consumed her. Of course, the culprit for most of the disorder was yours truly. It was especially hard for her because she wasn't able to fix alot of the issues herself. She had to get me to do it.
Here is where it gets strange.
I miss that about her so much it literally hurts. When I walk by something that would have bothered her, it hits me in the gut like a ton of bricks. I yearn for the very thing that used to get under my skin: the boss setting me straight. I'm lost without her direction!
Here is where it gets stranger.
I mentioned that I get ill when I walk by one of those things that would have bothered her. Not only do I get ill, but some of the time, I actually fix the problem. She must have trained me well. For whatever reason, I try to keep the house close to what she would want.
I fall short, but I think she would be proud.
Desperately missing the boss,
Josh
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