A Passionate Pastor's Ponderings

A PP'sPs About Worship

2010-06-30T11:20:00.001-04:00

Today's Texts: Eccl. 1:12-18, Deut. 31:30-32:47, Nahum 1, Matt. 9

Surprise, surprise! I want to talk about Deut.! As I read the song that God gave Moses to sing to the Israelites before they were to enter the Promised Land, I was struck by the relevancy of the worship. The song reflected the very recent work of God in the life of Israel.

Too often, we sing a song that was written 100 years ago, and we've sung it a 100 times, and we fail to consider it's meaning to us today. Now, I'm not criticizing the old hymns, I just hope that we are willing to consider, as we worship, the very immediate things that God has done in our lives, and then praise Him!

The song also considers both who God is (perfect, just, faithful), as well as what He has done, is doing, and will do in the future (Creator, Guide, Redeemer, Provider, Protector). What really struck me is that, according to the song, we are to not only anticipate, but welcome and worship the punishment of God! Worship Him for Punishment? Yes! Let me ask you how your children learned and matured? It was partially through punishment! God disciplines those He loves for our good. Let us worship Him for it!

I pray that today we will consider the immediacy of God's involvement in our lives, whether He's providing or punishing, and give Him the praise He's due.

Praising through punishment,

Josh

A PP'sPs About Doing the Word

2010-06-28T10:50:00.004-04:00

Today's Texts: Eccl. 1:1-3, Deut. 30:11-20, Micah 7:1-13, Matt. 7:13-29

Again, I am amazed at how some of these texts paint the "big picture". In Deuteronomy, Moses is putting forth a choice: life or death; blessing or curse. Of course, he strongly suggests that they choose life! The Matthew passage prepares us for the reality that the choice to pursue life is a narrow path. It won't be easy! It will be hard!

But Moses, in verse 11, promises that it can be done! It won't be TOO difficult! It won't be TOO narrow! So how is it possible? How can we make the right choice? How can we choose life and enter the narrow gate?

Well, Moses' confidence comes from an astounding assumption; he assumes, according to verse 14, that the Israelites, and therefore we, will be immersed in the Word of God! He says, "But the word IS very near you. It IS in your mouth and in your heart, so that you CAN do it." Did you get that? He doesn't say it "should" be near you or in your mouth and heart. He doesn't say it "will" be. He assumes that it IS.

Are we fulfilling that assumption? IS God's Word near us? IS it in our mouth and heart?

Finally, Jesus, in Matt. 7:24-27, promises that the result of our immersion in God's Word will provide a firm foundation for the storms of life. We will not be destroyed! The winds WILL blow! The storms WILL pound! But we will be restored (Micah)!

Let us immerse ourselves in His Word so that we can more easily choose life!

Attempting to fulfill Moses' assumption,

Josh

A PP'sPs About Curses

2010-06-26T10:49:00.004-04:00

Today's Texts: Proverbs 30:1-31:9, Deut. 28:15-68, Micah 5, Matt. 6:25-34

Wow! That passage from Deuteronomy was intense! It was even gross at times! Wow! What are we to make of such harsh language? How do you feel about God making these promises of cursing? Is God a big meanie? How do we deal with a passage like this?

Well, first of all, no, God is not a big meanie. He is Holy! Absolutely Holy. Holy without a trace of unholiness. Do we truly get that? That means that He cannot tolerate even an ounce of sin; not even a smidgen of unholiness. If he did tolerate it, it would contaminate His holiness. He cannot do that. So, He MUST punish and eradicate sin. His people (especially His Old Testament people)must understand the absolute horror of their sin in the eyes of God.

This is the same concept that we'll read about in Joshua when the Israelites are told to completely eradicate the nations of the Promised Land. Again, the language in these passages is harsh. However, the idea is the same: if the Israelites allow the sin and idolatry of these foreign nations into their camp, it will contaminate them and they will be infected. Well, what happened? Did the Israelites completely destroy the people that inhabited the Promised Land? Nope. What was the result? The Hebrews eventually turned from God and embraced the sin and idolatry of the land and were infected. God had to take drastic measures (exile into Babylon & Assyria) to deal with the sin problem.

Now back to the overall problem of sin. Why are we promised God's love and forgiveness and not the harsh curses of eating our own children? Why doesn't our sin elicit the same response? Only, and I mean ONLY because of the blood of Christ! His sacrifice on the cross once and for all paid the penalty of sin. His blood cleansed all who have faith in Him so that God would not see our sin, idolatry, and unrighteousness, but would instead see the righteousness of His Son. Because of Christ, we can rest (without worry: see Matt. text) in the blessings of the first part of Deut. 28 and praise God that we can avoid the curses of the latter part of that chapter.

I hope that put this passage in perspective for you, all 2 of you!

Blessed and not cursed,

Josh

A PP'sPs About Treasure

2010-06-25T10:44:00.003-04:00

Today's Texts: Proverbs 29, Deut. 28:1-14, Micah 4, Matt. 6:19-24

I've always liked the passage from Matthew. There was a song that had the words from verse 21 that I always liked, even if the artist's name eludes me now. Anyway, I've always tried to live by that verse. Of course, I've not always been successful! I do have a Mustang GT in the driveway! But even so, I try to keep my material possessions in proper perspective; they will rot, rust, and break down!

I love how each of the texts today come together to paint the "big picture" of the Christian life. Moses teaches in Deuteronomy that if we devote our lives to gracious obedience, then God desires to bless us. Not just a single facet of our lives, but every aspect of our lives! Read again those verses! Every single aspect! Now, this is a general promise of blessing for the obedient. We know that obedient Christians are not immune to problems, grief, depression, etc. For proof, read Job! However, even in the midst of those storms, God's promise to His faithful remains; He will bless us with His presence. Sometimes that's all we need!

The chapter from Proverbs confirms the general promise that the righteous will be blessed while the fool will find ruin. Micah further promises that God will ultimately restore His faithful.

Which brings me back to Matthew. What is one way that we can ensure that we are being obedient and eliciting the Hand of God? By keeping our possessions in perspective. What's most important to us? Our houses, cars, toys, golf clubs? Or is it our salvation, our Comforter, our Hope? Obedience comes much easier when we put things in proper perspective.

Laying up treasures in Heaven,

Josh

A PP'sPs About Prayer

2010-06-24T10:18:00.004-04:00

Today's Texts: Proverbs 27-28, Deut. 27, Micah 3, Matt. 6:1-18

Today as I was reading, the passage that impacted me was the text from Matthew, specifically, the Lord's Prayer. I felt like God was leading me to really read each of the lines of the prayer and glorify Him for the His characteristics found there.

The word for Father in Aramaic is "Abba". This word carries a strong sense of closeness, or intimacy. God is our close dad and loving Father! This is in great contrast to the god of the Muslims, Allah, who is far away and cannot be known. One cannot have a relationship with Allah. Praise be to Yahweh, who is knowable and relatable!

The fact that Abba is in Heaven reminds us that He is still sovereign! He is still in control and sees and knows everything. Our God is Great and Mighty, yet intimate and loving! Awesome!

"Hallowed" is just a fancy word for Holy. His name is to be kept Holy because HE is Holy! He does everything exactly the way it's supposed to be. He is pure; He is perfect; He is Holy!

The only response for us in light of His Holy Sovereign Intimacy is humility. "Your will be done" is our only possible response and was modeled for us by Jesus himself in the Garden. But, it's only when we fully understand how awesome and Holy and Mighty and Close He is that we are able to submit our will to His. May we get there soon!

The final lines are evidence that our God is a providing God. He is able to meet our physical needs (daily bread) as well as our spiritual needs (forgiveness and holiness), further moving us to humility and praise.

It is my prayer that we will spend today considering the amazing attributes of God found in this perfect prayer. And after we have considered these, may we respond with complete humility and genuine praise.

Humble in Worship,

Josh

A PP'sPs About Worship

2010-06-23T10:16:00.003-04:00

Today's Texts: Proverbs 25-26, Deut. 26, Micah 1-2, Matt. 5:17-48

Wow! Today's texts were full of wisdom! It's hard to nail down one passage to discuss, so I'll go with the first one that caught my attention.

Of course, it was the Deut. text. In vvs. 5-9, Moses is teaching the people about how they should behave when they inherit the Promised Land. Specifically, he is talking about worship. According to Moses, worship should be accompanied by remembrance of God's acts of mercy and provision! What a concept! He says that when you go to worship God with your tithe, you should remember God's work of redemption (specifically, here, redemption from Egypt).

Have we been redeemed? Has God shown His love and mercy and compassion and provision to you lately? My guess is, He has! But what do we usually do when we go to worship? Don't we usually tell God about all the hurt and sadness or illness or persecution that we hope He will fix, instead of thanking and praising Him for all He has already done? I know that I don't thank Him enough for the recent redemption He has worked in my life from grief and depression. And yet, that is the most profound reality in my life right now. How can I not praise Him? I know that I will make a point to praise Him daily and specifically on Sunday as I go to corporate worship. Will you make a similar commitment? I encourage you to consider His Hand in your life recently. Has he redeemed you? Thank Him. Has He held you in His arms of love? Praise Him.

Worshipping in Remembrance,

Josh

A PP'sPs About Grace

2010-06-22T12:59:00.003-04:00

Well, I have to apologize for missing a few days. I'm back! Did you miss me? Prolly not. Anyway...

I also want to add that after visiting with my doctor today, I was advised not to undertake that thing we talked about on Sunday at Pleasant Green, at least not until my headaches are better controlled.

Today's Texts: Proverbs 23-24, Deut. 23:15-25:19, Amos 9, Matt. 5:1-16.

As I read today's texts, the passage from Deuteronomy stood out. Moses teaches that we are to consider those less fortunate than us. He commands the Israelites to leave some of their crops for the less fortunate. They aren't to collect every last kernel, every last grape, every last olive. They are to leave the field after one pass.

I think sometimes today we tend to forget this passage because most of us don't have wheat fields, olive trees, or vineyards. But we do have incomes. We do collect checks. If we apply this passage to our lives today, we have to "leave" some for the less fortunate. I'm not even convinced that this is talking about our tithe. The tithe is usually taken off what is harvested. I believe we should be "leaving" money beyond our tithe for the less fortunate.

Southland Church has a program that I believe deals with this concept. They created the "Dollar Club". Here's the idea: each member is encouraged to bring an extra dollar and put it in the offering. A dollar. Not much of a sacrifice for most of us. Just like the Israelites leaving their fields after one pass. There wasn't much left, but it met a need.

Anyway, the church assumes that each person in attendance each week has put their dollar in and then they take that money and give it to someone less fortunate. What was just a tiny contribution (a dollar) is added to 10,000 other dollars per week and used to bless the poor and needy. Awesome! I believe this is what Moses, through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, was talking about.

I want to be a part of something like this! Those of you Pleasant Greeners: do you think we could do something like this? Are there enough poor and needy people in Harrison County to bless? Can we "leave the field after one pass" and sacrifice an extra dollar each week? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Other readers: is there a ministry that you can get involved in that meets this need? I encourage you to find it and "leave the field after one pass."

Leaving after one pass,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Anger

2010-06-17T22:19:00.002-04:00

Today's Texts: Proverbs 13-14, Deut. 19, Amos 3, Matt. 1:18-2:12

Well, once again I've been convicted by God's Word. As I was reading the passage in Proverbs, I was noting the comparing and contrasting of the righteous vs. wicked and acknowledging that I need to seek wisdom more diligently. Then I got to the part that mentioned handling anger.

As you may or may not know, I have an issue with anger. I have always had a temper, since I can remember. Because I realized early on in my ministry that I had a temper, I was usually able to keep it under control (unless, of course, I was driving or on a golf course!). However, for some reason, lately (I believe it has to do with my headaches) I have really struggled with getting angry. It almost seems impossible to control my temper these days.

As I read this passage, however, I was convicted about my lack of control regarding my anger. If my goal is to find wisdom and understanding, I must learn to control my temper, because the text says that a "hasty temper" welcomes folly.

Lord, give me the strength to control my emotions and be slow to anger. Amen.

Seeking to be less angry,

Josh

A PP'sPs About Choices

2010-06-16T11:01:00.003-04:00

Today's Texts: Proverbs 11&12, Deut. 18, Amos 2:6-16, Matt. 1:1-17

This morning I was drawn to the chapters in Proverbs. The author is presenting choices and the ramifications of those choices to the reader. If you choose wickedness, you will come to ruin; if you choose righteousness, you will be blessed. These chapters confirm what we will read in a few weeks from Deut. 30 where Moses presents the same question: will you choose to obey or to curse? If you choose to obey, you will have life; if you choose to curse, you, too, will be cursed with death.

In the Proverbs texts, the proof, as they say, is in the pudding. And the pudding is our tongue first and then our actions. What are we saying? How are we talking to others? Our family, our coworkers, our boss, our neighbors? Are we uplifting with our tongues, or are we "downlifting" (see yesterday's post)? I know I could be much more uplifting with my tongue. Lord, give me words of sweetness and not words of bitterness.

The author continues to define the pudding proof with our actions. Are we kind? Are we generous? Are we diligent? Do we do what we say? (That's a big one!) He adds in 12:1 that this endeavor may require discipline. What will our response to discipline be? Will we love it? Or, will we hate it? According to the author, we must love it!

So, I commit to seeking righteous choices, both with what I say and with what I do, acknowledging that discipline may be required. Bring it on!

Seeking discipline,

Josh

A PP'sPs About Evil

2010-06-15T11:43:00.005-04:00

Today's Texts: Proverbs 10, Deut. 16:18-17:20, Amos 1:1-2:5, Philemon vv. 23-25

I want to begin by going back to yesterday's post and acknowledge that for some, the storm has not yet passed. I want to first assure you that if I'm aware of your particular storm, I am praying for you as you endure. Second, I want to also assure you that, somehow, some way, your storm will pass. Finally, I want to assure you that regardless of the length or severity of your storm, God is with you. I'll say it again: God is with you. He IS your refuge.

Now to today's texts.

Once again, I am drawn to the text in Deut. In this passage, God is making sure that His people know and understand how bad evil is (This idea is confirmed in Amos. Wow!). God, through Moses, is warning the Israelites not to accept evil in their society. It must be exterminated.

Once again, I am convicted by God's Word. I have become entirely too accepting and approving of evil's influence in my life, primarily through the trash that I willingly watch on TV. Just because it's funny or entertaining, doesn't mean it's okay. I could be doing so much with the time that I expose myself to "downlifting" (the opposite of "uplifting") stuff.

The bottom line is confirmed in 17:1. God requires and deserves our very best. Is allowing ourselves to take in the shows, movies, music, relationships, etc. that downlift instead of uplift giving our very best?

God, give me the strength and motivation to exterminate the evil that I've allowed into my life. Continue to make me wise through your Word, moving me further and farther away from Folly. Amen.

Seeking to give my very best,

Josh

A PP'sPs About God's Provision

2010-06-14T13:30:00.002-04:00

Today's Texts: Proverbs 9, Deuteronomy 15:19-16:17, Hosea 14, & Philemon vv. 8-22

As I was reading the passage from Deuteronomy, I couldn't help but be reminded of God's grace and provision through my Egypt Experience: Christy's passing. The only reason I am where I am today is because of the gracious rescuing hand of God; there's no question. According to today's passage, I should be regularly and intentionally offering up my gratitude to Him for rescuing me from despair. Guess what? I don't! Not regularly enough and not intentionally enough. This passage has reminded me to offer my gratitude as an act of worship; He is to be praised!

Further, according to Romans 12:1-2, that act of worship out of gratitude is accomplished through the transformation of my mind from one of Folly to one of Wisdom (Proverbs 9).

Oh, Lord, give me your Wisdom and keep me far from Folly!

Seeking to worship in incalculable gratitude,

Josh

A PP'sPs About Refocusing

2010-06-13T20:26:00.004-04:00

It's time to refocus.

In the past, this blog has been an attempt to inform and reflect regarding my personal life and the issues that I've endured. It has allowed me to mourn, vent, dream, and praise. Now on the other side of the storm, I've decided to refocus my thoughts and expressions.

One of my personal struggles as a Christian and especially as a pastor has been faithful reading of God's Word. I'm not a big reader in the first place, so it has always been a fight to keep myself in a consistent habit of reading my Bible. Lately, God has been convicting me of this. I've been praying for motivation and have been blessed over the past several weeks as the habit of daily Scripture reading has been reestablished in my life. (I know, I should be ashamed of myself as a pastor for not reading the Word every single day. Trust me, I am!)

So impressed by the importance of reading God's Word regularly, God led me to preach on the subject on Sunday. To further motivate me and the church and to encourage unity within the church, I have decided to commit to posting daily on this blog my thoughts and feelings regarding the assigned passage for the day (We are using the reading schedule in the back of the ESV Study Bible).

So, the focus of this blog will shift from my personal issues to pastoral reflections on God's Word for public discussion and potential edification for all involved. I invite anyone who stumbles across this blog to comment and interact with us and God's Word. My ultimate goal is the glorification of Almighty God and the edification of His people.

Thank you to all who read and commented over the past few years. More importantly, I want to thank you for your prayers. God has been faithful and has blessed abundantly.

To God be the Glory,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Life

2009-08-27T15:58:00.002-04:00

Wow!

What a crazy few months!

I must apologize for failing to post anything recently. I know that all two of you have been eagerly anticipating my next post. Sorry for the delay.

I'm at a loss as to where I should start! First off, wedding plans are going well. Many people in multiple states have been instrumental in getting us where we are...16 days from the wedding!!! Whoa! It's getting very real! Kristen and I went and applied for our marriage license last week. That really made it real! But, I couldn't be more excited about spending the rest of my life with my HHH! (Half-Hispanic Hottie!)

On a more somber note, the joy of our day will be tempered by the fact that Kristen's mom, Lannie, will not be with us physically. If you had not heard, Lannie was freed from her pain and suffering on July 22 as her Lord and Savior called her home. We have every confidence that her spirit will be with us and we anticipate her presence on that day.

As can be expected, the last 5 weeks have been very difficult for Kristen. She was very close to her mother and had a special relationship with her. She was by her mother's bedside from the beginning of her diagnosis to the final moments. Because her love was so strong, so her grief has been equally potent. To make matters worse, just a few weeks after the funeral, Kristen had to get back into "teacher" mode; a task that has proven quite challenging. Not only has she had to put her energies into a wedding that seems less joyful, but she has had to gear up for a semester with 7 special-needs children on top of her regular students, a surprise she had not anticipated. Needless to say, she could use your prayers as she treads through the next weeks and months.

As for me, facing death again after a relatively short time has been more difficult than I anticipated. Adding to my emotional strain is the task of packing up a home that I built and shared with Christy. Having to pack, give away, or sell stuff that I had forgotten about has been quite emotional. A roller coaster analogy doesn't even begin to capture the emotional journey I've been on over the last several months. However, through it all, I have experienced a peace that truly does pass all human understanding. What a faithful God!

Well, that pretty much catches you up on where we are at this point. I want to continue to express my appreciation for all of you who have kept Kristen and myself in your prayers. They are felt and effective!

Ready to see the Bride,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Weddings

2009-06-16T00:01:00.003-04:00

What?

Huh?

Who's doing what?

I'm sure these are but a few of the questions that have been running through some of your minds if you have been keeping up with my facebook status lately.

Yes, I'm getting married! It sounds crazy to me, too! I can't imagine how it might sound to some of you who don't know what's been going on over the last couple of weeks. Let me attempt to explain.

If you've read this blog at all lately, you know that I've been dating Kristen and that it is quite serious. We are deeply in love with each other and confident that our love is a God-given love that is destined to lead us into marriage. But, our original timeline was much different. We had originally planned on getting engaged after October and then getting married sometime next summer after Kristen's school year was over.

What you may not know is that, for the past year or so, Kristen's mom, Lannie, has been fighting cancer; fighting with great strength and courage, I might add. On Friday, June 5th, Lannie went in for surgery to repair an obstructed bowel. What the doctor found was a substantial amount of cancer in her abdomen as well as cancer on her lungs and liver. He was reluctant to give any kind of time frame because of the severity of the surgery itself. He had no idea how she was going to recover from the surgery, much less how the cancer was going to effect her future. Well, given the somber tone in the doctor's voice, we knew that time was not on our side.

After many discussions with many people, Kristen and I decided to accelerate our plans because, as one wise woman said, "Every girl needs her momma at her wedding, and every momma needs to see her daughter walk down the aisle."

I am confident that Lannie will not only be at our wedding, but that she will be happy and healthy as she sees her radiant daughter illuminate the sanctuary on September 5, 2009.

I'm sure that you have other questions that are bouncing around in your heads. Please feel free to pose those questions in the comment section of this post. I don't pretend to have full comprehension of what God is doing in our lives right now...I only know that He is working in our lives. He has facilitated the blossoming of our love in a way that is beyond comprehension. Maybe because He knew well before us the time frame we would be working with. Whatever the reason, I know He has placed this woman in my life for such a time as this. May He be praised!

Frantically planning the perfect wedding,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Complications

2009-06-04T13:33:00.003-04:00

I thought I would elaborate on my new relationship with Kristen.

More specifically, I thought I would share how we ended up together, complete with the many complications we have and continue to muddle through.

The first and least influential complication is the age difference between us. I will be 35 in July (Dang, that sounds old!) while Kristen just turned 28 last week. Not a huge gap, especially when you consider that my maturity level is far lower than my 35 years would indicate! It was a factor for her early, but she seems to have realized that I'm still less mature than she is.

A second complication is the fact that Kristen is the little sister of one of my closest friends, Brian Lucas, or as many know him, Chico. For her especially, dating her brother's close friend was incredibly weird. For me, I was just worried about how it would affect my relationship with Brian. Would he really trust me with his baby sister? Would things be weird between us? So far, so good.

As you would guess, if Kristen is Brian's sister, then it would follow that I have known Kristen for awhile. In fact, Kristen and I have known each other for over ten years. I even taught her Sunday School class while she was in college at Asbury. In fact, she sat next to Christy for much of that class. The two were close friends. Kristen is close with Christy's family. Very weird! But, also very special because I haven't had to introduce an entire stranger into my family relationship with Chris, Julie, and Kyle. They already know and love Kristen and have fully embraced our new relationship, as difficult as it will be at times. For that I am eternally grateful.

The complication that worried me most going into the relationship was the most embarrassing for me. You see, before Christy and I began dating, I had a fairly substantial crush on Chico's baby sister. I liked Kristen eight years ago! And now, here I am again falling for the same girl. My biggest fear was that someone who knew my previous feelings for Kristen would assume that, because I had feelings for her now, I had never stopped liking her. Nothing could be further from the truth. But the thought that someone might think it for even a minute was almost enough to keep me from ever pursuing a relationship with Kristen. Thankfully, no one has voiced that concern and have immediately dismissed it when I have mentioned it. Again, I am grateful.

Knowing all of these complications and weighing them against my feelings, I finally got up the nerve on April 5th to call Kristen and share my thoughts and feelings. Her response was priceless: "I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! (long pause) Josh, this is complicated!" To which I responded, "You have no idea!" We talked for a few hours that first night about the afore mentioned complications as well as our individual feelings for each other and where we should go from there. She agreed to let me take her to a baseball game for our first date, and as they say, the rest is history!

We've had MANY long conversations about the complications and issues that our relationship inherently has. I haven't even mentioned the issues that Kristen has had to deal with in dating a widower AND a pastor! I told her she should have run away that first night! However, she has been amazing as she has considered these and other issues with wisdom and humility. Much to my amazement, shock, and joy, she has come through the other side of all this with a strong, genuine love for me that I feared she would never have. Our relationship couldn't be going any better! I am blessed beyond measure!

Once again, I must thank everyone for your prayers and support over the past 8 months. I am eternally in your debt.

Content inspite of the Complications,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Happiness Revisited

2009-05-07T01:41:00.002-04:00

I'm happy again.

And not just kinda happy; genuinely, supremely happy; unable to stop smiling happy.

And I'm not sure if my readers (all 3 of you) are ready for why, but here goes.

The source of my happiness is a woman; a truly amazing woman. What did I do to deserve the opportunity to find another amazing woman? I'm truly in awe of God's grace and provision!

Her name is Kristen. She is stunningly beautiful, both on the outside, and, even more so on the inside. I love being around her. When I'm around her, I feel comfortable, like I don't have to put up a facade, like I can just be myself. That's very important for me right now. She gets that and makes it so easy. The funny thing is that she feels the same way around me. And, in a situation that could be quite complicated and awkward, we find being together surprisingly easy and comfortable.

We've come to only one conclusion that can explain this: God must be in this. More than a few people have commented that there is no way that Kristen or I could have imagined or orchestrated the chain of events that have transpired over the last several weeks. It must be God! In fact, both Kristen and I, in our separate struggles with this have tried to find reasons why this should NOT work. And yet, we keep coming back to the realization that, despite the craziness of the situation, God has brought us together.

Regarding the craziness of the situation, I hope that all of my friends and family understand and support my efforts to move on with my life. This is not how I thought my life would play out. I never knew that one could experience the devastating loss and loneliness that I have been smothered by for the past 7 months. My heart was completely obliterated. And yet, God has seen fit to begin the process of restoring my heart and alleviating my loneliness. I believe with all my heart that He has chosen to use Kristen to do both. She has made me believe that I can love again and find true companionship once more. I hope and pray that each of you understand this.

Believe it or not, like it or not, Kristen is a dream come true. I'm happy again. Truly happy.

Unable to stop smiling,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Epiphanies

2009-04-03T16:07:00.002-04:00

Sorry I haven't written anything lately. My mind and heart have been jumbled messes!

I had an epiphany the other day.

I have been very curious and even dismayed about my lack of "breakdown moments". I have had very few moments where I have broken down and cried, and one the most recent ones was manufactured. I was at the cemetery visiting Christy and just had no emotion. So, I got in the car, turned on the ipod, and played every song I could think of that reminded me of her. I started with "our song" and that was enough to open the floodgates; but it had to be induced.

Then I started thinking and here is my epiphany: instead of having a baseline of "normal" and then expecting "moments" of grief, depression, and sadness, I have discovered a different reality.

My baseline is grief, depression, and sadness. That is my "normal". The "moments" that interrupt that baseline are temporary and often minuscule moments of joy, happiness and contentment.

Kind of a sucky epiphany, but at least I am not wondering why I am not breaking down more often. The fact is, I should be looking for moments when I can, even for a singular moment, break "up". To be sure, these moments of break"up" are treasured. I just didn't realize how fleeting they can be.

Well, that's my only epiphany. I hope my next one is a more pleasant epiphany. (I really like using the word "epiphany". Apparently, I also like using quotation marks!)

Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers.

Anticipating my next break "up",

Josh

A PP'sPs about Posting II

2009-03-12T17:08:00.003-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.

To be honest, the thoughts, feelings, and emotions in my head and heart are so jumbled right now that I would be unable to clearly express them even if I tried.

Therefore, please be patient and pray that my life will become less confusing and frustrating in coming days and weeks.

Thank you all.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Lists

2009-02-18T01:10:00.002-05:00

Earlier this week, Momma J (Julie, Christy's mom) posted a short list of things that she missed about Christy.

Because attempting a similar list myself would never end, I decided to compose a list of all the things that I do NOT miss about Christy....

Well, I guess this is officially my shortest post to date.

Missing every minute detail,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Erectile Dysfunction

2009-02-09T18:19:00.002-05:00

A very strange thing happened to me today:

I quit golf!

It's not permanent, but I quit golf today!

After having lunch with a colleague, I went to a nearby golf course to play 18 holes. My first drive was a great shot in the fairway. Then, because I had driven my cart 5 yards into the rough, a jerk from back at the tee screamed at me to get my cart off the grass and back on the path. I hadn't even realized that it was "cartpath only". So now I'm hacked off. My next shot, after waiting for the foursome in front of me to clear the green, was awful! The next shot was equally awful! For the next 3 holes, I have to wait forever to hit each successive awful shot because the group in front won't let me play through, further hacking me off. Finally, they let me play through, just to get caught behind another slow group that won't let me play through. After 3 awful shots on that hole, I put my 6 iron back in my bag, got in my cart, and drove to the clubhouse.

I only played 5 holes! And I gave up! On golf! I couldn't perform! It was golf's version of erectile dysfunction. The guy at the clubhouse even offered to let me start again on the 10th hole, but I just didn't have it in me. Golf! Not in me! The world is coming to an end!

I honestly have no explanation for this inexplicable event. I wish I did. I pray that it never happens again. If it does, go ahead and prepare to visit me in a padded room!

Unable to perform,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Posting

2009-02-07T09:03:00.002-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.

I just haven't had much to say lately.

I'm kind of in a funk right now. I can't tell if I'm coming or going. I don't know if I'm getting better or getting worse. I don't know if I'm ready to move on or if I'm sinking deeper into despair. I suppose this is my lot for awhile. I know that God will guide me through this phase just as He has each previous phase. My God is faithful!

Coming and Going,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Irony

2009-01-27T15:41:00.003-05:00

I have always been a fan of irony...until now.

I have had knee pain for probably 7 or 8 years. Doctors have said that it was probably a degeneration of the cartilage under the patellas. It has gotten much worse over the last year or so. So, I finally decided to have them MRI'd. Yesterday, I got the results...

And here's the irony...

ARTHRITIS!

The disease that tortured Christy for nearly 25 years is now affecting me.

Now, it's not quite the same disease that affected Christy. She had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis and it was severe. I have Osteoarthritis and it's early stage. I have nowhere near the pain and repercussions that she had.

But still! Isn't it ironic, don't you think? A little too ironic? Yeah, I really do think.

Ired with Irony,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Widowdom

2009-01-21T16:26:00.004-05:00

Holy Crap! I'm a widower!

It hits me hard every time.

It says in the Bible that God's mercies are new every morning. Good thing since the reality and stinging pain of my residence in Widowdom are equally as fresh...every morning. I am still amazed at the loss of air supply (no song references, please!) each time it hits me that my wife is gone and I am a widower. I am a widower! There it is again! Shock and awe...shucks!

I figure it will finally set in that I am a widower about the time that I pack up and leave Widowdom for another, less lonely abode. Then I'll have to get used to a whole new world. I have a feeling that will be an easier adjustment.

Milking His Mercies,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Hell

2009-01-15T18:12:00.002-05:00

I'm lonely as Hell... Almost.

You see, my primary understanding of Hell is eternal separation from God (II Thess. 1:9); the opposite of the peace of God: a loneliness that passes all understanding.

I see this in the biblical story of the Rich Man and Lazarus found in Luke 16. The Rich Man dies and is seen in torment in Hell - Alone. He sees Lazarus, who has also died, sitting in heaven - Not Alone. Lazarus is with Father Abraham, peaceful and unlonely (I made up a word there).

I would argue that a tremendous part of the Rich Man's torment is the complete loneliness of his situation. There is no party in Hell with all the sinners dressed in red tights, a pointy tail, and horns. It is the utter darkness of loneliness.

All this to say that I'm convinced that the loneliness I'm experiencing right now is as close to Hell on earth as one can get.
I find some solace in the temporal nature of my situation; some. I also now believe that, short of an experience like this, no one can understand this kind of loneliness.

I'm not yet to the point of gnashing my teeth, but it's still early. :) Please pray that the loneliness will subside to a more manageable level, thus saving me from future dental bills!
Thank all (3) of you for your comments and, more importantly, your prayers. They are much appreciated.

Nearly Gnashing,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Lyrics

2009-01-12T12:51:00.002-05:00

Those of you who know me well know that I am inspired, motivated, and sometimes convicted by music; more specifically the lyrics.

Over the last 3 months, several songs have affected me in profound ways. Some are songs I've heard a million times and never paid attention to the lyrics. Others hit me the first time I heard them. I thought I would share some of those lyrics with my readers.

The song that best portrays my psyche right now is "The Rescue" by Kutless:

I don't know what's happening
Everything around me has come crashing to the ground
It's here I see my need
In all the devastation I'm praying for a miracle, help me to escape. Again

My life is a mass destruction
You're pulling me from the mess I'm in, You take me away
There's glass in the air I'm breathing
Somehow my heart keeps beating till You take me away

Sanctus Real has a song that has a similar emotion:

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.

As far as my thoughts and feelings about Christy, Nouveaux shares my heart:

If a star fell from the sky every time I thought of you, there would be none
And if the moon would shine all the while you're on my mind
We'd never see the day
And I wish you weren't so far away.

I'm sure there are other songs, but these are the ones I come to over and over again. I hope this gives you further insight into where I am right now and what I'm going through.

Breathing glass,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Dolphins

2009-01-01T15:36:00.002-05:00

I'm a dolphin.

Perhaps some explanation would be appropriate.

A few weeks ago, during another sleepless night, I was watching a show on Animal Planet. It was investigating dolphin deaths on Virginia Beach. Apparently, juvenile dolphins were washing up on shore. These dolphins had NO signs of external trauma. They were pristine in appearance. Nothing externally gave evidence of their demise. However, upon doing autopsies, they discovered multiple broken bones, massive internal bleeding, massive internal bruising, and other trauma.

As I thought about these dolphins, it hit me: I'm a dolphin!

Because of my position as a pastor, I feel like I need to carry myself and present myself in a way that portrays confidence, leadership, and contentment. I appear as if all is well. However, further inspection would reveal massive internal trauma. My heart has exploded into a million pieces and created an internal mess! A dolphin!

So, next time you see me and ask me how I'm doing, don't be surprised when I respond by saying, "I'm a dolphin!"

Strangely craving raw fish,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Silverware

2008-12-23T00:26:00.002-05:00

There are so many things that remind me of Christy; most remind me that she is no longer with me.

When I would do the dishes, I would always notice and be humored by the fact that there were always the same number of big forks as little forks. Because of her neck fusion and JRA in her jaw, Christy had to use little forks when she ate. I, however, being the big, strapping young man that I am, would always use big forks. There was always the same number of each.

A few days ago, I decided to do the dishes as it had been a while. When I was finishing up the silverware, it hit me that I didn't wash a single small fork. It hit me like a punch to the gut. I teared up right there, salinizing my now dingy dishwater.

Many of these moments are anticipated. I know that when I go to bed each night, she won't be there. I can prepare for that. It's the moments that sneak up on me, like the fork incident, that make this so blasted hard. Like when I was watching the finale to "The Biggest Loser" and Phil came out on stage. He had lost over 130 lbs! I sat up and actually said, "Christy, look..." I stopped. She wasn't there to share my shock at Phil's amazing transformation. But we always watched the finale together! Unfair! Oh well, I know that won't be the last of these moments. I only pray that future moments will hurt just a little less.

Dreaming of little forks,

Josh

A PP'sPs about OCD

2008-12-13T00:18:00.003-05:00

This is a strange development.

One of the things that I miss most about Christy is her OCD.
You see, I am not the most tidy person in the world. A pristine house is not a huge priority for me and never has been. It's never bothered me if dishes sat in the sink or if clothes were draped over the couch or if the bathroom sink was cluttered with toiletries.
Christy, on the other hand, was her mother's daughter. She was a neat freak. Even she would classify it as borderline Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Things out of place consumed her. Of course, the culprit for most of the disorder was yours truly. It was especially hard for her because she wasn't able to fix alot of the issues herself. She had to get me to do it.
Here is where it gets strange.
I miss that about her so much it literally hurts. When I walk by something that would have bothered her, it hits me in the gut like a ton of bricks. I yearn for the very thing that used to get under my skin: the boss setting me straight. I'm lost without her direction!
Here is where it gets stranger.
I mentioned that I get ill when I walk by one of those things that would have bothered her. Not only do I get ill, but some of the time, I actually fix the problem. She must have trained me well. For whatever reason, I try to keep the house close to what she would want.

I fall short, but I think she would be proud.

Desperately missing the boss,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Hurdles

2008-12-07T21:23:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess I got over another hurdle today...barely.

My church has a normally great tradition of hanging family ornaments on the Christmas tree in the sanctuary. Each family has a colored bulb with their name on it. I call each family name and a rep from the family (a child if applicable) comes up and hangs their ornament on the tree. It really is a fun and meaningful tradition.
However, the tree also has white bulb ornaments with the names of each of the members who have passed away over the years. This is where it got difficult!
In some past years, these names were also called during the service and a family rep put these on the tree. Luckily, it was decided that these white ornaments would be on the tree already and only the colored ones would be placed on the tree during the service. I would not have been able to do it.
Anyway, I purposely waited to place my ornament (a new one with only my name on it - very sucky!) on the tree last. Before the service I had located Christy's new white ornament and when it was my turn, I shakily approached the tree, placed my ornament gently next to hers, and proceeded to break down. I slowly made my way back to my chair on the stage, stuck my face in my hands and bawled my eyes out.
Buddy, the song leader, came up and led the congregation in a song while I attempted to compose myself. As soon as the song was over, it was my turn to preach! I honestly don't know how I even made it to the pulpit. But God took over and delivered His Word with clarity and conviction. To Him be the Glory!
I have a feeling there will be many more of these hurdles along the way. I only pray that God delivers me through those as well.

Hating the Hurdles,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Holidays

2008-11-30T23:46:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess I made it through the first holiday.

Thanksgiving itself wasn't too bad. It was good to be with Julie and the family even if it made me think about Christy the whole day; that would have happened anyway! Plus, I got to see Chico and his family for a while.

It was the next day that was so rough. On Friday, Julie wanted to put up their Christmas tree. This is something that I have been apart of for the last several years and usually a joy to do. However, this year, the mere thought of putting up Christmas decorations made me literally nauseous. I had to fight every fiber of my being not to run out the door!

You see, Christmas was Christy's favorite time of year BY FAR. She loved decorating the house, tree, and anything else she could get her hands on. She had collected the Willowtree Nativity Set and took great pride in setting that up every year. Thinking about doing any of that right now feels like getting kicked in the gut by a mule. Therefore, Friday was a tough day for me.

However, once we got into it, it became a blessing. Chris was outside putting up the icicle lights, so Julie and I were able to talk honestly about how all of this was affecting us. She, too, was struggling with decorating anything this year, but she knew that Christy would want us to do it for her. We talked about how God, in His own way, had been preparing us for what was to come. It was a further bonding of two lost, hurting souls that hopefully helps us both cope with these difficult days that are yet to come. I have a feeling we're gonna need all the help we can get!

Fighting the urge to run,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T20:54:00.002-05:00

So this is the day on which we are to give thanks for all of our blessings.

I must confess this is harder right now. Sure, I can acknowledge the blessing of the time I had with Christy and the blessing of the legacy she left behind, but that doesn't bring her back. I'm fairly confident that I would be considerably more thankful if I still had her with me. So, I may have to mark this down as the least thankful Thanksgiving I've ever had. Is that okay? I hope so, because it's where I am; not unthankful, just less thankful than I've been in a while.

I pray that God will open my eyes to the many blessings that surround me on all sides.

Underthankful,

Josh

A PP'sPs about the Pulpit

2008-11-24T11:29:00.003-05:00

I love to preach!

Yesterday, I was able to get back to doing something I love. Being back in the pulpit was a true blessing. Plus, I had been given an exciting word from God that had been festering in my heart for over a month. I thought I was going to explode!
Having the opportunity to share such a personal gift like that word from God with my church was awesome. Watching God work as I opened my mouth and He spoke was a great experience. Hearing the responses from those in attendance further confirmed the Author of the Word. God is Great and He is doing something great at Pleasant Green Baptist Church. I just feel honored to be able to be the pastor as God does His work here. I pray that I will have the energy and focus to help lead my church through this work of God.

Please pray the same.

Back in the Saddle,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Kentucky

2008-11-18T15:37:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm back home in Kentucky. I sure wish I could have the weather in TX here in KY! It's frickin' freezin' here! Oh well, it is the middle of November. I guess I can't complain.

It was great to see Chris & Julie again. I sure missed them. Julie even made me a chocolate milkshake with Blue Bell ice cream!!! She must have missed me too!

It was also awesome to see my cats again! They were pretty happy to see me as well. Petra won't shut up! Meow! meow!

I can't wait to get back in touch with all the church people as well. I've missed them and I hear that they have missed me too. Someone even "broke in" to the house and left several notes and artwork taped on the kitchen wall. Very encouraging! I'm blessed, even if I don't feel like it all the time!

Well, I'll try to continue to share my thoughts and feelings here over the next days, weeks, & months. It won't be easy or pretty, but I've found it to be fairly therapeutic. Thanks again for all the comments and prayers.

Home again,

Josh

A PP'sPs about The Next Big Thing

2008-11-14T13:22:00.003-05:00

This morning (at 5 am while NOT sleeping!) I asked God to prepare me for whatever big thing He is going to do in my life and ministry as a direct result of Christy's life and passing.

I believe with all my heart that God is going to use this tragedy to bring something potentially ground-breaking and phenomenal into my sphere of influence...I'm just not ready.

I don't want the responsibility of being used by God right now. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Not very inspiring, huh? Not very pastoral either. And so I ask you as my family, friends, and support system to pray that God will either do a miraculous work in quickly preparing me for whatever it is that He's bringing, or, that He will delay this monumental revelation until I can be restored. I thank you in advance.

To Him be the Glory,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Going Home

2008-11-11T01:29:00.002-05:00

Well, if you haven't already heard, I'm heading back to KY earlier than originally planned.

I had originally planned on staying here in TX until after Thanksgiving, allowing me to be with my TX family for that holiday. However, it has become very clear that I need to get back home (yes, I said home in reference to Kentucky, and yes, I'm just as shocked as you are!). I will be driving home next Monday, the 17th.

Don't get me wrong, it has been great being in TX with family and friends. However, this has allowed me to escape from the reality of what has happened in my life. That was okay for a time, but I can no longer prolong the inevitable. I must return to reality. It's gonna be bad. It's gonna be hard. It's gonna suck (pardon my language). But it has to be done.

Plus, I miss my cats! I miss my KY family, my church, my life, such that it is.

I must apologize to my TX friends and family who thought they would have me for longer. I wish it were possible, but I must go home. Thank you for understanding.

I must warn my KY friends and family. Some have already made their elation known regarding my return. I hope you know what your getting: a mess. Now you're the ones who'll have to clean it up! I pray you're up for the challenge.

I must thank all my friends and family all over the globe for your continued thoughts and prayers. They are deeply felt and much appreciated.

Between two worlds,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Side Effects

2008-11-10T01:42:00.002-05:00

So here's a weird side effect to the grief that I am dealing with right now: I can't sing anymore.

I have been in three worship services since coming to TX and in each of them, all attempts to sing with a full voice with any kind of range have been thwarted. Each time I try and sing what would normally be a very attainable note, my voice cracks and the notes won't come. I've noticed the same phenomenon while attempting to sing in the car...no go.

I have two working theories as to the cause of this upsetting development.

One - During the first few days following Christy's passing, including the visitation and funeral, I was involved in some pretty guttural grieving that may have actually damaged my vocal cords, either temporarily or, less likely, permanently. I will call this my "physiological" theory.

Two - It's also possible that because of the deep pain and grief that has yet to be released and remains dammed up behind a strong wall of denial and escapism, my ability to fully express myself in song also remains repressed. I will call this my "psychological" theory.

If any of you have dealt with this phenomenon or have even heard of it and have a suggestion, feel free to share. If any one else has any thoughts about my theories or would like to propose a third theory, your input, too, is welcome.

Thanks again for checking in on me. In the words of the wiser-than-her-years Momma J, "I am what I am."

Making a less-than-joyful noise,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Grief

2008-11-06T00:34:00.002-05:00

Well, I don't know if anybody's checking this blog anymore, but I suppose I should post something in case anyone is.

I wish I could tell you what's going on in my heart and mind right now, but the truth is, not much is going on in my heart and mind. I am completely numb. I feel nothing. Do I miss Christy? Of course I do. But not in a break down and cry, rip my clothes, and put ashes on my head kind of way. That's what I would expect me to do. I guess that was my initial reaction and it continued through the visitation and funeral, but since then, I feel nothing. Am I a cold-hearted expletive that just wants to move on with my life? Surely not. But I don't feel much more than that. What a miserable existence!
I wish I was better at forcing myself to express my thoughts like Julie has been. In fact, her posts have motivated me to make this one, disjointed and depressing as it may be. I just don't have words to describe the numbness in my heart. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. What ever it is, it's starting to hack me off!
I sure don't look or feel like a grieving husband. I feel like a guy on vacation, visiting family and playing golf, eventually to return to his home and wife. That can't be right! And yet, it's all I got.
The worst part is, and here comes the true honesty, I haven't been talking to God alot about all this. I'm not mad at Him or anything, I just don't feel like talking to Him right now, or anybody for that matter. Sure, I can talk about the details of the past three months, even of that night. I just don't want to talk about how I feel about those details. Maybe that's a side effect of the numbness; not even emoting the relationships I have with family, friends, or even my God. In the words of Paul, what a wretched man I am!
All I can do is think about what's next in my life, almost denying the fact that there is a past that I have to deal with. I guess this is that stage of grief known as denial. It turns out it isn't just a river in Egypt! I can assure you that being able to label it and categorize it doesn't make it easier to deal with. It's awful!

Well, as I continue to struggle with this denial, hoping the next stage is around the corner, please have a few conversations with God on my behalf. Let Him know that I'm not mad, I'm just not in the mood to talk. I hope He understands.

In a trance,

Josh

A PP'sPs about the Celebration of Christy's Life

2008-10-12T15:56:00.002-04:00

The arrangements for Christy's services are as follows:

Visitation - 4pm-8pm, Tuesday, Oct. 14 @ Hagar & Cundiff Funeral Home, Nicholasville
Funeral - 11am, Wednesday, Oct. 15 @ Mt. Freedom Baptist Church, Wilmore

Thank you all for the kind comments. You are all a blessing to me.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Home

2008-10-12T06:40:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure how I'm even able to write this sentence, but, at 8:45 Saturday night, Christy went home to be with her Lord. I have no words to describe my joy for her and the incredible loss for me and her family. I pray that I will have the strength to echo the words of Job:

Naked I came from my mother's womb,
Naked I shall return.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

A PP'sPs about Knees

2008-10-07T20:15:00.002-04:00

Well, Christy and I went back to the surgeon to look at the knee once again. We got good news!
He said that she could lose the brace! She is thrilled! He also said that she could begin trying to put weight on that leg and even move towards walking again! What a blessing. She is very ready to get back on her feet and back to work. He feels more comfortable waiting 3-6 months to worry about double total knee replacement, so that is on the back burner. We also feel better waiting so that she can gain some strength in both legs so that rehab will be easier when the replacement happens.

Christy also had an angiogram to figure out why her left foot is getting cold, turning colors, and forming blisters. It was determined that she has vaso-spasms (sp) which is the shrinking of the blood vessels in her feet, restricting blood flow and making them cold. She has been put on a vaso-dialator to improve this. The doctor is confident that this medicine will clear up the issue.

She is so strong! She has beat each of the issues that have tried to knock her down, by the grace of God! We are confident that God will enable her to once again beat these current issues and grow stronger than ever before.

Thanks again for each of your prayers and thoughts. May God bless each and every one of you!

Josh

A PP'sPs about Recovery

2008-09-17T14:52:00.002-04:00

Well, we saw the orthopedic surgeon on Monday. He said that the broken knee is healing, but slowly. It's also not healing perfectly. The broken part has sunken a bit, causing one of the screws to start to push back. He didn't seem too concerned about that, but he did say that she could not put any weight on it yet. She will go back in 3 wks for another follow-up. He did say that she could start physical therapy, working on range-of-motion exercises.

We are optimistic, even if it is cautiously so. Her pain level is as low as it has been since her ordeal. We give God the glory for that. Continue to pray for healing in her knee so that she can return to work or have the replacement surgery.

Thanks again.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Injections

2008-09-09T13:48:00.002-04:00

Christy was finally able to get her primary arthritis injection yesterday! Whoo hoo!
It will definitely take some time for it to take affect, but we are on the right track.
Yesterday was a tough day. She was in a lot of pain due to the arthritis. Hopefully, she will be feeling better soon.

Thanks again for all the thoughts and prayers.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Improvements

2008-09-04T12:57:00.002-04:00

Sorry again for not keeping up with the blog.

We had several appts. yesterday. Christy had an EEG just to be sure that all is well there.
Christy also saw her pulmonologist and he said that her breathing should continually improve, but it could take some time. He also prescribed some meds for thrush she has developed in her throat.

Her rheumatologist was able to up her pain meds so that her pain is more manageable. He also said that as soon as infectious disease says that she's in the clear, she can go back on her Enbrel, which is her main arthritis injection drug. We wait anxiously for that day.

Basically, we are in a waiting game. Waiting for her breathing to improve and waiting to go back on the Enbrel.

Please pray for patience as we wait.

With much love,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Apologies

2008-08-28T20:24:00.002-04:00

Sorry! It has come to my attention that I have been lax in updating my blog. My bad!

Christy has actually had a rough couple of days. She spiked a temp last night and hasn't felt well for two days now. The primary issue is her arthritis. It has been almost a month since her primary disease-controlling injection med which is beginning to take its toll. She is in a great deal of joint pain which could be the culprit for the fever and difficulty breathing.

We saw the infectious disease doc today and he thinks that it is the JRA that is causing the pain, fever, and breathing problems. She will finish her antibiotic regiment and then hopefully resume her injection med. Until then, we are hoping her rheumatologist can come up with a pain management plan. Please pray that she can find comfort through the pain. Pray for her nurse (me), that I can take the best possible care of her.

Thanks for continuing to check up on us!

Josh

A PP'sPs about Normalcy

2008-08-18T14:52:00.002-04:00

We are finally getting back to a bit of normalcy here in Cynthiana. I was able to be back in the pulpit yesterday which was a joy for me. Christy is paying bills which is a joy for her (JK!).

We are slowly figuring out the best way to get Christy around the house with one bad leg and one badder leg :)

Her pain is manageable, her breathing treatments are helping, and her spirits are high. We are enjoying God's blessing at home, as are the cats!

Continue to pray as I know you will. Remember Chris Wells as he goes for surgery on Weds.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Home

2008-08-16T18:30:00.002-04:00

Christy's home! Christy's home! Christy's home!

We finally got her home at about 3:30 this afternoon. She is settled in and enjoying being back with her kitty cats.

She is still having some knee pain and moving around doesn't help that. We are learning the best way to move her around with minimal pain. It will be an adjustment, but we know God will guide us in this. Julie is here as well, helping us adjust. She will stay with Christy tomorrow while I go to church. Pray for Julie as she is now trying to help us here while preparing for Chris's back surgery as well. She is under tremendous stress. Pray for strength.

I will continue to post regarding Christy's recovery here at home. If you would like to visit, just call ahead to make sure she is up to it.

We look forward to hearing from all of you.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Daughtry

2008-08-15T22:04:00.002-04:00

In the words of Chris Daughtry, "I'm goin' home!"

Christy will be discharged from the hospital sometime on Saturday! All of her docs are thrilled with her progress and agree that she can continue her rehab at home w/ Dr. Josh (stupid people!). She is feeling great this evening and looking forward to seeing her kitty cats, CJ & Petra. I talked to them this evening and they are looking forward to momma coming home too.

I cannot express my gratitude & humility at the amazing response of prayer and support from all of our friends and family. We have no way to fully return the blessing. Only know that we love all of you and pray God's bountiful blessings on you all.

Please continue to pray as Christy will have difficult days ahead as she rehabs her knee. She will have to rely on an amateur for a caregiver (me) which will add to her difficulty. We know that God has been faithful and will continue to be so. Only pray that we are patient to see Him through.

Your fellow servant in Christ,

Josh

A PP'sPs about Non-ICU Rooms

2008-08-15T09:11:00.002-04:00

Christy is no longer in ICU!

We were moved to a regular room (5155) at around midnight last night! All of her docs are thrilled with her progress and signed off on her move out of ICU.

Although we are glad to be out of ICU b/c of the implications (out of danger, on the mend), 5th floor East is not exactly paradise! Not 30 mins after getting settled in our room last night, there was a very loud and intense code across the hall. It was much louder all night than ICU, so that will be an adjustment. However, we are more than willing to make that adjustment to see Christy continue to improve.

We do have another prayer request that we would like to make you aware of, if you are not already aware of it. Chris (Christy's stepdad) learned yesterday that he has multiple slipped disks in his back which have been causing him excruciating pain for a while now. He will meet with a surgeon today and discuss his options. He is very miserable! Please be in prayer for his pain level as well as his meeting today, that God's will is done and Chris finds relief.

Thanks again!

Josh

A PP'sPs about Christy II

2008-08-14T09:41:00.003-04:00

Good morning from ICU!

Christy had a bit of a rough night with a stomach ache and trouble sleeping. They've given her something for that so she hopes to rest this morning. Otherwise, she is doing quite well.
There is even talk of moving her to a regular floor room later today. That is a sign that she is out of danger. We are praising God continually for His healing hand.

I was able to attend our prayer meeting and teach Bible study last night which was a real blessing. I love to preach and teach and felt blessed to be back in the saddle! God is Awesome!

Josh

A PP'sPs about Miracles II

2008-08-13T10:27:00.003-04:00

Christy had a great night! She was able to sleep through much of the night and felt rested this morning. She ate a decent breakfast and is in good spirits. She's pretty worn out from a bath and breathing treatment, so she is gonna rest for the remainder of the morning.

What a tremendous turnaround we have seen! What an awesome God we serve!

To God be the Glory!

Josh

A PP'sPs about Miracles

2008-08-12T20:05:00.003-04:00

God's gettin' His heal on!

Christy has made tremendous progress today. She is more alert than she has been since the seizure! Her vitals are fantastic and getting better. (heart rate - 93, Pulse ox - 100%, BP - 125/65)

She told us about a dream she had that she was in a Cowboy Hospital where they made her swim with her surgeon and his children. So, when her regular rheumatalogist, Dr. Neal, came by and told her she was at Central Baptist (not a Cowboy hospital), she was relieved and told us that she thought we had been lying to her all along!

God is awesome and so are you all! Continue to pray for further improvement.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Updates VII

2008-08-12T08:34:00.002-04:00

Christy was finally able to rest some last night, meaning that Julie and I were able to rest some as well. That is a blessing.

She is a little more aware this morning and talking a little more. She says she is hungry, so Julie is going to try and feed her some breakfast. Hopefully, we can get some nutrition in her and get her stronger.

She is not out of the woods by any means, but we are seeing improvement. The docs are still not sure if it is the pneumonia or the meds that have her in this less-than-lucid state. We are praying that as they reduce her med levels she will continue to become more and more alert and cooperative.

I am in awe at how many prayer warriors are out there. I think we've got the entire globe covered! What a blessing!

Josh

A PP'sPs about Surgery II

2008-08-11T18:23:00.002-04:00

We just talked to the surgeon after the surgery. He said that they were able to sedate her enough to do the surgery. He was able to insert 4 screws and secure the bone. He was less than thrilled with the condition of the bone, but that's not a surprise, given her arthritis. He will keep her in a bent brace to keep it somewhat immobilized.

We give God the glory for the success of the surgery! We now ask Him for mercy and relief from the pneumonia and drug semicoma.

Thank all who have called and come by. I regret that Christy has not been able to be visited, but getting to see you is a blessing none the less. Thank you.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Surgery

2008-08-11T16:27:00.003-04:00

Christy has just been taken to the OR to repair her broken knee. The surgery will be minimally invasive as he will create holes to screw into the knee and stabilize it. There will be no incision, no bandage, no brace. The only concern will be the best way to further sedate her so that she feels no pain during the actual surgery.

Pray for the anesthesiologist that he will have wisdom in this area. Pray for Dr. Nichols that God would guide his hands during the procedure. Pray for Julie and me that we don't go crazy.

That about covers it. I will post again as soon as she is out of surgery and we have consulted w/ the surgeon.

Josh

A PP'sPs about News III

2008-08-10T22:07:00.003-04:00

New update:

We saw Dr. Nichols (surgeon) this evening and since she is so sedated from the meds, he wants to go ahead and do the surgery on her knee tomorrow afternoon. The surgery will be minimally invasive and only require a local anesthesia (sp). She won't even have bandages or a brace. He said it would only leave a few "nick holes" after he puts 4 screws in the bone. More power to him!
This is, of course, dependant upon agreement from the other docs on the case. I suppose we will hear for sure sometime in the morning.

Pray that this surgery will somehow aid in Christy's recovery from this illness.

Josh

A PP'sPs about News II

2008-08-10T20:05:00.004-04:00

Well, not much new news this evening. She has remained relatively the same all day: barely responsive but resting well. Hopefully, we will see improvement soon.

I took the time this evening to have my poison oak/ivy looked at. I went to the local urgent treatment center and got a steroid shot, oral steroids, and a fresh dressing. I pray that my drama will be over so that I can concentrate on Christy.

Once again, thank you all for your fervent prayers. They are a fragrant offering to the Lord (and they smell pretty awesome to me too!).

Josh

A PP'sPs about News

2008-08-10T11:45:00.002-04:00

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

First, the bad. Christy has not improved as far as her responsiveness. In fact, she may be less responsive today than yesterday. She is hard to wake up, and when she is awake, she is not talking much at all. We are hoping that this is medicine induced.

Now, the good. We talked to the infectious disease doc a few minutes ago. Apparently, we now have a name for what's ailing her. They believe we are dealing w/ an atypical bacterial pneumonia. So atypical that it was only discovered as a strain in around 1987. This diagnosis will allow them to narrow the treatment and be more aggressive. We are praying that this more focused and aggressive approach will be effective in getting her well.

I forgot to mention in previous posts that to complicate matters, I apparently came in contact with either poison oak or ivy before the incident and am now fighting itching, swelling, and oozing (great word!) over most of my left arm and a portion of my left leg. I could go insane at any time!

Anyway, we give God the glory for directing the docs to this diagnosis. We now pray that God will work through the treatment and bring about a miracle! I know that you are praying for the same and I am eternally grateful for you. Keep on keepin' on!

Josh

A PP'sPs about BIPAPs

2008-08-09T19:25:00.002-04:00

Ahhhh!

We are now dealing w/ another doc. Tonight, a new pulmonologist took her case. And as you can determine by the title, he suggested that she go back on the BIPAP to help her breathing and potentially calm her down and allow her to rest. This seems to me like a catch 22. On the one hand, the mask doesn't fit well and it aggravates her to no end. However, on the other hand, her best day (Thurs.) came after a full day on the blasted machine! So, we are praying that another round on the BIPAP will bring similar results. Please pray similarly.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Me

2008-08-09T14:38:00.004-04:00

I know I haven't asked for it and I know you are doing it anyway, but I need you to be praying for me.

Because we have seen little to no improvement in the last two days, I am becoming more & more discouraged. All of the devil's weapons, doubt, worry, fear, frustration, etc. are setting in. I hate to see my wife in this condition. It's not fair. I also hate seeing her mother have to face this too. She doesn't deserve it either. I am especially frustrated b/c Christy had such a good day on Thursday. Now, things have deteriorated. Why is she not getting better? Why can't the doctors find a solid diagnosis and make it better? Too many questions, too little time.

Anyway, as you continue to pray for Christy and her physical health, remember Julie and me and our mental & emotional health. This sucks! Pray that it sucks less soon.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Updates VI

2008-08-09T08:58:00.002-04:00

Saturday morning update on Christy:

Christy had a mildly difficult night. She had some disorientation as well as some anxiety aound 3am which was dealt with through medication. She was able to rest pretty well after that. She woke up this morning with continued disorientation, trying to get out of the bed. I was able to calm her down and she is now relaxing again. They are doing a breathing treatment right now, so, hopefully that will continue to keep her calm and breathing easily. Haven't seen any docs yet this am, but will update when we talk to them. Hoping to see pulmonologist, internal medicine, & infectious disease.

More info later.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Updates V

2008-08-08T21:50:00.002-04:00

An evening update on Christy:

We talked to the neurologist this evening. He said that the second EEG was "unremarkable" which is good. He also said that his impression of the brain MRI was also "unremarkable". He will wait for the official radiology report to be sure.

So, it seems more and more that we are dealing w/ acute pneumonia. She is still on multiple antibiotics as well as diuretics to help dispose of all the fluids involved in all the IV meds. She is very drowsy and somewhat disoriented, mostly b/c of the meds. If I didn't mention it before, her knee surgery will now be postponed until at least Monday while she continues to stabilize.

Once again, we are overwhelmed by your prayers and concerns. We are thanking God for you!

Josh

A PP'sPs about Updates IV

2008-08-08T15:18:00.002-04:00

Well, Christy has had a better afternoon. Her vitals have been pretty stable and she has been more coherent than she was this am. She's even been a little feisty. While her mom was trying to get her to eat, Christy told her that they were "gonna roll" if she kept forcing her to eat! Anyway, things have been good today.

She just got back from a brain MRI to see if anything is going on up there. Hopefully, we'll hear something on that soon.

She's had a few visitors which is great. Visiting hrs for the ICU are as follows:

9am - 4pm
5:30pm - 6:30pm
9pm - Midnight

If you want to visit, call my cell (859-361-0858) and we'll get you back to see her if she's up to it.

Thanks once again for your constant prayers. God is faithful!

Josh

A PP'sPs about Updates III

2008-08-08T08:54:00.002-04:00

Well, Christy had a less-than-stellar night. Her vitals became less stable as #'s that were supposed to be high went down and #"s that were supposed to be low went up. She had a bronchoscopy (sp) this morning which further aggravated her, spiking her #'s.

The lung doc said that the bronchoscopy showed potential acute pneumonia, so they are working with that as a possibility for her illness.

The infection doc said that her fluid levels were a little high which could have contributed to her rough night, so they are decreasing her fluid intake.

They are about to do another EEG, so I'm gonna go for now. I'll post again later today.

Keep praying.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Updates II

2008-08-07T18:36:00.002-04:00

Well, today was a good day. Christy has been in good spirits most of the day and has had good reports from the docs. Her O2 levels have been good since coming off the breathing apparatus.

After talking to the orthopedic surgeon, as long as Christy remains stable through tomorrow, he will perform corrective surgery on her knee on Saturday. She will remain in ICU until the surgery and then return there after for recovery. We don't have any idea when she will be released from ICU or from the hospital, but we are encouraged by the recent developments. Please continue to pray for her as she anticipates this surgery. Also pray for Dr. Paul Nichols, a godly man, as he performs the surgery on Saturday.

Thanks again for all the calls, thoughts, and prayers. We can't verbalize how appreciative we are.

Josh

A PP'sPs about Updates

2008-08-07T10:16:00.002-04:00

God is Great! This morning, Christy was able to remove the BI-PAP breathing apparatus! Her O2 levels are holding at 96-100% w/o the breathing help. What a blessing! She is mostly responsive, even though she's still a little loopy! We haven't talked to any docs yet this morning, so we don't know any further prognoses regarding the infection or the knee. I'll keep you updated throughout the day.

Thank everyone for your prayers and thoughts! They're working!

Josh

A PP'sPs about Christy

2008-08-06T20:58:00.002-04:00

Well, many of you (2 people) have lots of questions about Christy and her condition. I will use this blog to update you on her condition over the next couple of days.

For those of you just finding out, Christy went to Maysville, KY for a meeting Tues. am, even though she didn't feel well and had gone to bed sick the night before. Throughout the morning, she had the sweats and chills. Finally, at about 11:30, she dropped her head and went into a full seizure, shaking and all. Her legs locked up with her chair and when the campus nurses tried to remove her, her knee got broken! She was eventually rushed to the local hospital and treated for seizure and broken knee. She was eventually transported to Central Baptist in Lexington, closer to all of her regular docs.

She was admitted and ran through a bunch of tests. The neurologist even did a spinal tap to rule out meningitis. Much blood was taken as well as much drugs! The pain from the knee was the most intense I have ever seen her endure. The pain lasted into the night, which brought on further issues. Her oxygen levels began to drop despite multiple breathing treatments. Finally, it was decided that she would go on a BI-PAP breathing machine full time and be moved to ICU. The mask for the breathing device was, of course, too big and aggravated her to no end.

The final conclusion that the docs came up with for the seizure as well as the subsequent drop in O2 was infection, either viral, bacterial, or fungal. She is currently on as many as 5 different antibiotics to combat the infection.

As of 9pm Wed., she has begun to show signs of stabilizing. Her vitals have regulated, albeit with the aid of the breathing apparatus, and she is much more responsive. The knee is still painful, but is also stabilized. The surgeon said that as soon as she is full stabilized, he wants to do surgery to repair the knee fracture. This will more than likely delay the double knee replacement by as much as 3-6 mos.

Well, you're probably as up to date as I am. Julie (Christy's mom) and I will be staying the night in the ICU waiting room, so pray for miraculous sleep!

I'll post updates as often as possible. Thanks for all your prayers.

The Passionate Pastor

A PP'sPs about Joy

2008-07-21T19:49:00.003-04:00

I apologize for anyone who heard this yesterday, but I keep thinking about joy. I hope that if I ever have to endure great hardship, whether it's poor health, traumatic loss, or even persecution, I will have the same joy found in the apostles in Acts 5, in Paul & Silas in Acts 16, and in my late friend, Pete, who endured a lifelong devastating disease. All expressed a joy that superseded any circumstances they found themselves in. I consider myself a joyful person, but how could I not be? I'm a strikingly attractive young man with great hair, loving parents, and I have great relationships with my siblings. I have the best job in the world and have had few traumatic events in my life. I have no excuse. I better be joyful! But what about the aforementioned sufferers? Where did their joy come from? But as I was listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song, "What Kind of Joy", I heard the answer. He finishes his chorus with this line: "This is the joy of a soul that's forgiven & free." And so, it appears that when we surrender our lives to Christ and receive His forgiveness, all the joy in the universe is at our disposal! Regardless of our circumstances, we have access to His joy and have no excuse for our lack. Let us embrace His joy so that it overflows and impacts everyone we come in contact with.

Are you a soul that's forgiven and free?

A PP'sPs about Birthdays

2008-07-12T11:57:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm another year older. I'm not sure what that means. Probably means I should be a little closer to actually growing up, but that's probably not gonna happen.

I got a chance to play golf w/ a pastor friend, Weiner Joe, and smoked him by 9 strokes! I also had a great meal w/ friends & family at Tony Roma's where I got a "vibrant" grilling apron which I promptly put on a modeled for the whole restaurant! I am such a child! (A sentiment quickly seconded by my wife!)

It looks like growing up will have to wait at least another year!

A PP'sPs about Peace

2008-07-06T22:34:00.003-04:00

Apparently praying for peace actually works! In the midst of the most difficult and tense and tragic situation of my admittedly brief ministry career, I prayed for peace and asked others to be praying for peace for me as I preached the memorial service for a murder/suicide couple. And lo and behold, God responded! As I stepped up to the lectern, I felt a wash of peace that passed all understanding and God was able to speak through me and bless those in attendance.

There but for the grace of God go I!

p.s. Don't try it any other way!

A PP'sPs about Moms

2008-07-02T17:46:00.002-04:00

It dawned on me this week that too often we underestimate the power of Mom and overestimate the power of cheese. (I have no idea.) Anyway, my mom was here this last week from Texas, originally for the purpose of preparing us for Christy's surgery. However, because Christy's surgery was postponed, Mom just hung out with us, blessing us with food, cleaning, laundry, groceries, and her presence. She was truly a blessing to us when we were down in the dumps, frustrated by the postponements.

After being away from home for college and then Kentucky for 15 years now, apparently I had underestimated the awesomeness of Mom. This was the most time I had spent with her for at least 15 years and was reminded how great she really is.

I'm further updating my Mom Estimation after two boys in our community lost their mom to a tragedy. I'm thankful to God for an amazing Mom and pray that never again will I underestimate her Momness!

A PP'sPs about Unintentional Compliments

2008-06-28T11:16:00.002-04:00

I received an unintentional blessing last night! I was playing a game called "Compatability" with the fam. The game consists of several cards w/ pics. A word is given and you have to choose cards that represent that word to you, hoping to match cards with your partner. Well, one of the cards in the deck is of the cross of Christ. Here is where the blessing comes in (I know. You thought I was never gonna get here!).

As my wife and momma-in-law were explaining the game to my mom, they both declared that when in doubt, play the cross card when playing with me. "Josh always uses the cross." Now, they were being silly, but it got me thinking.

I do always play the cross because the cross and what it represents is vitally important to me and and my entire life is filtered through it. For others who are around me and know me to see that and acknowledge it was a huge blessing! They weren't trying to bless me, but I received it anyway!

May we who profess Christ ALWAYS play the Cross Card!

A Passionate Pastor's Ponderings about Total Depravity

2008-06-27T12:21:00.002-04:00

So, it appears that total depravity extends even to golf. As I evaluate my own golf game, I have come to the embarrassing conclusion that I am totally depraved! While the rules of golf can basically be summed up with the statement, "Play it as it lies", I find that I don't like submitting to that constraint. I (and other pastors I know) am a big fan of occasional mulligans (do-overs), the foot wedge, and always improving my lie.

Darn you, Depravity!

I find myself wondering if I should be asking God for forgiveness and maturity in my golf game. But, then again, that would drastically affect my handicap, and that is unacceptable!

Oh well, I will go on in my depravity and my 6.7 handicap!

A Passionate Pastor's Persistent Ponderings about Faith

2008-06-26T15:15:00.002-04:00

Why is it that when you finally reach a point of solid faith (as my previous post suggests), God tests it? This must be the pruning and refining that Paul was so fond of. My wife, Christy, has been anticipating double knee replacement surgery for awhile now. After having it postponed once already, the surgeon postponed it indefinitely today because of a slight infection. We were so confident that this was the time and place for this adventure; and now it has exploded in our faces! In my mind I know that this is part of God's plan, but my heart is pretty hacked off that I wasn't consulted first! My primary frustration is Christy's need for relief from this friggin' pain! Why can't that be easy? But, as we have discovered in the past, the process of pain relief is never easy or quick. As the psalmist says, when we wait patiently, He will pick us up from the miry pit.

And so we wait in the miry pit.

A Passionate Pastor's Ponderings about Faith

2008-06-25T15:58:00.000-04:00

As I think about Christy's impending surgery, several thoughts flood my mind. However, each thought or worry or question is answered with the reality that God is on the Throne! God has led Christy and I to this point in our lives and he has us here for a reason. He knows about our fears and worries and has the perfect response for each. He has equipped us to be able to handle what ever the outcome of this surgery may be. I really and truly believe this! I have seen Him guide me (and us) in the past and know that He will do it again. I give God the glory for His providence in our past and thank Him in advance for His providential work in our lives as this surgery approaches. May God give any reader of this post the same peace and confidence in His providence that He has instilled in me.

I don't anticipate that my future posts will be this spiritual. Those who know me would agree! However, the idea of faith has inundated me lately and I want the kind of peace I have to be available to all!

Peace!